Category Archives: Living

Living

How Not Having Closure Can Actually Be a Good Thing

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Sometimes not having closure can be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, it can be one of the worst things to never get. You can spend so much time and energy constantly analyzing what went wrong when you are never given a reason for why things turned out the way they did. 

You can have made up conversations that never take place that make you cry. Sometimes it’s sort of like giving yourself closure. You can say to them what you want and can feel empowered. Yet you still also feel really sad. The end result is always the same… it’s over. 

Naturally we look to ourselves for blame. What did we do to make things end? Why did they leave us? Why didn’t we get the decency of knowing why they decided to go away? 

We spend so much time asking ourself these questions. We make up scenarios if they were to ever contact us with just the simplest message and then we have a 27 paragraph response of everything we want to say. 

But we never get to say them… because they will never contact us. Some people make a decision and never look back. That doesn’t mean at times they might not think about you or regret their choice… but they don’t change their mind. Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s not wanting to go back to the past.

But there’s one thing the lack of closure can give you… an alternate ending. An ending that might not be real but you get to believe is real so that you can move on. 

Don’t get me wrong, I myself am not even there yet. But since I don’t know why my story ended the way it did… I get to decide why. Instead of trying to analyze everything I ever said or did, I can acknowledge that while I probably did things that upset or bothered that person, nothing was unforgivable. Nothing was something we couldn’t have talked about or worked through if they truly wanted me in their life. I’m starting to think they had to deal with so much toxicity that they can’t avoid… it’s there in the family… it’s at work. That if one thing seeming goes wrong that they can walk away from… they do… for their own sanity. Sure it’s not fair, and you should be given another chance, but they are choosing what’s best for them in that moment. You are collateral damage, but it doesn’t mean you are damaged.

It’s a tough place to be because I have to realize that to them I wasn’t someone worth putting in effort for. I was simply someone they got annoyed with and decided to never talk to again. Without a warning and without repeated infringements. 

But again, I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about all this sadness… about why I wasn’t enough for them. So I get to write a new ending. Since the actual ending is unknown to me…

Instead of thinking that this person cut me out of their life because they don’t care about me…. I get to make my own ending. For instance, instead of what could possibly be true… like the fact they untagged themself in all of our photos together… my mind immediately went to the thought of them trying to erase me from their life. That they don’t even want other people to know we were ever friends or associated with one another. 

But what if instead I change that narrative… regardless of the actual reasoning… since I don’t know what that is and this version is so heartbreaking and painful… what if instead I imagine it is hard for them. Although it seems unlikely and out of character for them to spend time missing me or even thinking about me… but I have to give them some type of humanity to move on.

So the new narrative goes that instead of them wanting to disassociate from me, they untagged themselves because seeing photos of us together is a painful reminder of what they lost. Even though it was their choice to end things and walk away… they still have their own feelings and thoughts. 

For instance… they could read me giving them space and time to heal and work out problems in other areas of their life as me being upset, mad, and petty. Maybe they think I’m the one that moved on. 

Communication is always important and I would have explained everything, but they never gave me a chance. So they have their own narrative of why things ended and why they aren’t communicating with me. So I get to make this a part of the narrative. That they do realize they are missing out on having someone great in their life and they don’t want to be reminded of that because they don’t want to deal with those emotions or feelings. So instead of dealing with them, it’s easier to erase me and make it so I never existed. That’s how they are choosing to move on. They have to go back and revisit other connections and try to make up for the emptiness they now feel. It doesn’t look hard for them, but maybe it’s a part of the show.

That’s how they operate. Sure, that’s not you… or me. Me? I’ve cried nearly every day for the past two months… wondering to myself when it will stop feeling so raw and so painful. I constantly wonder about things and think ahead to the future. I’ve been in anguish over the missed holidays and not being able to send them kind messages. How I now have to take others to the birthday celebration I had planned for them. I know there are still going to be plenty of days ahead where I feel broken and unable to move forward. So I will do what I can with the lack of closure and the lack of knowing and perhaps give myself a happier ending. Where where I am at times missed and still thought of, but they can’t let anyone else know that. Sure I wear my heart on my sleeve and have emotions so big, even I’m sick of them. But all those emotions will one day be put to good use. I will find other people to love and give my time and energy to, while also trying to do that more with the other really amazing people I have in my life.

This loss feels huge and I’ll probably always think about them. I just hope one day I can do that without crying.

Living

Why Remembering Things “All Too Well” is Key to Helping You Move On.

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Why is it so hard to let go of someone who deeply hurt you? Someone who makes you cry every day? Someone who was so good at making you believe they were someone they weren’t… someone they could only pretend to be for a short time, until it got to be too much to keep up and they showed who they really were. 

It’s hard to picture them in a different light, especially when you see them engaging with others and giving to others what they couldn’t give to you. And why is that? Were you not deserving of their love? Or did they just not love you as much as you needed them to. 

Maybe it’s easy to show love and attention to others who aren’t trying to be close to them. Someone they know it won’t mean more to. Maybe there is a certain freedom about that. There’s no one who will love them more and want even more attention. Maybe I wanted too much, more in the end then they were able to give. 

It’s easy to think it’s all my fault, but it’s also on them to communicate their boundaries, their frustrations. To admit when they need a break… some time to deal with their own issues. It’s up to them to tell you that you’re asking for more than they are able to give right now. 

Absolutely no one can be a mind reader. People tell you not to read into things, but then they aren’t direct and it’s almost like you have to pick up on clues and signals and read between the lines. Yet when you try to and you ask questions, they are aloof and skirt around them.

So then you give them the space they couldn’t ask for. They take it and run… they never look back and you are left alone to figure out when it all started going wrong. When you went from meaning so much to meaning nothing at all.

How come it hurts so much but they don’t shed a single tear for you? How are they able to move on so quickly and so freely and you are trapped in your own imprisonment of loneliness and abandonment? 

“All Too Well” Short Film by Taylor Swift

It’s so hard to let go of not just the memories but the memories that never got to see the light of day. The ones you imagine. The holidays you would have spent doing fun things together. The conversations you would have had, the hugs you would have given, the moments you would have been able to say “I love you.” 

Everyone keeps saying it’s a them problem, that you did nothing wrong. Even though you know you weren’t treated right in the end, you still know they aren’t a horrible person, they just did something horrible to you. That’s why it feels like a you problem. Because it feels like somehow you couldn’t be enough for them. Like everyone else can be but you. But things get tricky the closer you get to someone. It’s easier to love people from a distance. When there’s no commitment of getting together. When showing them attention isn’t going to make them want to know when you would be talking next or hanging out. 

Yet it’s so much harder when everything stopped so abruptly. Here one day, gone the next. Yes that’s life… but that doesn’t make it any easier. Your mind will continue to run through scenarios of what if you did this, or if they said this. How would you respond? Sometimes responding, even if it’s just to yourself will help you process those emotions. They can be emotional. I’ve cried to many conversations that only took place in my head. I wrote out my responses. ‘If they were to say this, how would I respond?’ It’s like writing a letter and burning it after. It’s healing in a sense. Yet most likely that person will never say those things, they will never ask those questions, and they may never even apologize. You may never hear from them again. So you have to do what you need to in order to heal. Have those tough conversations… even if they never get to hear them. It’s empowering to let those words out, to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you will have no one to help you heal… you will have no closure… and you will have a million questions. There will never be answers so sometimes you have to make your own.

You don’t have to turn the other person into a villain… but you may need to for a time in order to heal. Once you get to a better place, you can look at them through another lens. As someone who wasn’t evil, but someone who hurt you… someone who didn’t know how to treat you or love you in a way that you needed to be love. That doesn’t always make them a bad person, it just makes them the wrong person for you. For whatever reason, they couldn’t communicate what they were or were not capable of and unfortunately you got caught in the crossfires of the war against themselves.

Sometimes people can shut the door and never turn back… never give a second thought. It’s okay that you aren’t that type of person. It’s okay that you feel everything deeply. You also feel joy deeply, you feel love deeply. And despite the insurmountable grief that comes with the ending of this relationship, you have ones that have lasted for decades because you are someone worth keeping.

It will always feel like a huge loss because you care so deeply. Because you would have never been the one to choose that ending, to have them out of your life.

Even though I’m still in the midst of my grief, I have to find the strength to believe that better days are ahead. Until I can get there, I must do what’s needed to make it to the other side. Some days will be harder than others. Some days I might have to distract myself so I don’t focus on all the sadness. Eventually I know the sadness will fade and it may take months and months, or years and years. It’s not clear why some relationship endings hurt harder than others, but I truly believe it’s a testament to the amount of love I had for that person. It may never completely go away, but I will eventually get to a place where I can see them living their best life and be happy for them, even though I am not a part of it. I know that’s because I will always care about other’s well being. That I’m not a bad judge of character, I just sometimes love people who aren’t meant to be in my life forever and it feels impossible to let that go. I will try to keep my heart open to other relationships in the future and have faith that someone else won’t have to pretend to be everything I need, they just will.

Living

What Happens When a Pet Dies?

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Last night our world was shattered as we watched you take your last breath. I hugged your dad and felt him hugging me. I could feel that he needed to be hugged. It’s not a feeling I often feel. You hug someone and you enjoy the comfort of their arms wrapped around you, allowing you to feel safe, protected, and loved; but you don’t often feel that they also need that hug. He cried last night, it’s probably only the third time I’ve seen him cry in our 12 years together. He loved you. We all did. He called you his little puppy and asked you not to die on his birthday, which was just the day before. So loyal to the end, you even waited til the next day.

I could tell you were having a bad day towards the afternoon. There were times during the last few weeks where we would physically have to help you get up, as your back legs weakened. Then there were several days in a row where you would get around on your own just fine, wagging your tail, as happy as ever.

We took you to the vet a few weeks ago. You hadn’t really eaten in a couple days and I was scared you were dying. Your stomach seemed upset and we figured it was the new vitamins we started you on for your arthritis. You ate a little the day we took you to the vet, but decided to still go anyway. They gave you some medicine for your upset stomach and the veterinarian said she felt a mass while palpating your abdomen. She wasn’t sure of the exact location and said it would require more testing. The testing would have been unpleasant and with your advanced age, there was no sense in putting you through that. We wanted you to live out the rest of your days the way you always have, with the people you love, feeling as best as you could.

I am glad we had some time to prepare. I was already sad about the days where you seemed lethargic and didn’t come get me at dinner time to feed you. Or how you usually come over to wherever I am a bunch of times, just so I can pet you.

You were the best dog. You never barked, and greeted anyone who came over. You have such a big heart. From day one, you let your sister climb all over you. She loved you too. She would greet you every morning and made sure we didn’t pass by without saying hello or goodbye to you, even if we wouldn’t be gone that long.

She would run to my room and say excitedly: “Mom, Strobehn’s in his new bed!” That new bed wasn’t cheap, but you rarely laid in it. You preferred the comfort of your old pillow, even though it wasn’t as padded, you loved it. Whenever you laid in your bed, I would get so excited and snap a photo. You laid in that bed the last two days, almost as if to let me know you were thankful for the love we have shown you. Trying to give us joy until the end.

You followed me everywhere, daddy called you my shadow. Even when your arthritis got bad and we tried to keep you from coming up the stairs, you would knock over the barrier, because you needed to be with your people. The morning you passed you even laid outside my shower door, wanting to be as close as you could. I couldn’t even get you to move when it was time to come out. Your hearing had gotten bad towards the end. I tried to nudge you with the door, but you still didn’t budge. I had to call daddy up to get you to move. I knew you loved me.

Later that afternoon while your sister and daddy went to the park, I laid with you on the floor. We talked and I told you it was okay to go. That we would be okay, I didn’t want you to be in pain anymore. That you lived a good long life and gave us so much joy. I told you I loved you.

A little while later, you would get up and move spots. You did this several times, even though it was physically difficult. You would be short of breath and your legs would give out, but you kept moving. I had always heard about dogs knowing when it’s their time to go, that they sort of look for a place to die. Is that what you were doing?

Your final resting place was upstairs in our room. Watching you die was the hardest experience. I saw your legs flicker and went over to you, I saw your tongue touching the ground and wondered if you had a stroke. Your breathing was slow and deep. I called your daddy up and we hugged and cried as you took your last breaths. It’s not often your daddy needs something, but he needed to be able to comfort me and be comforted at the same time. You were such a good boy.

Your sister saw us crying. I don’t think she truly understands death or that we will never see you again. She asked if you would be dead forever. She instinctually put out both her arms as she saw me crying so that she could hug me as long as I needed. She is such a good sister. She would argue with her friends that you were her brother, despite the fact you were not human. You were the best brother.

Daddy had to call to have your body picked up, they didn’t even offer their condolences. Don’t they realize that losing you has caused so much heartache? We had to wrap you up and carry you downstairs to be kept in a cool place. I hated that you had to be kept in the garage. It felt cruel even though you were no longer alive. You deserved better than that.

This morning I got up after a night of not sleeping and having a severe headache. I saw your empty water bowl and broke into tears. There was no need to fill it up anymore. I had to go into the garage to get my lunch and I saw your lifeless body wrapped in a sheet and cried again.

I’ll never be able to pet you again. I won’t be able to kiss your head, scratch your ears, or dry you off when you come in out of the rain. I won’t be greeted by you when I come home from work, or know when it’s 5pm because you’ve come put your head on my lap, letting me know it’s dinner time.

I wish I could tell you how much joy you brought to our family. I hope you knew how loved you were. There will never be a dog as wonderful as you. You were the perfect family dog. You made friends with everyone. Your sister and I used to joke about this woman in the neighborhood who would walk around our cul de sac every day on her evening walk. We would be outside enjoying the outdoors and whenever she walked by you would go over to her so she could pet you. When we would see her coming we would say, “Strobehn, your friend is here.”

You had such a gentle personality, it’s funny to think anyone could be afraid of you because of your size and color. Your eyes revealed your gentle spirit. I’m going to miss scratching your belly and having you put your paw on my arm because you didn’t want me to stop.

Sometimes I think I hear the sound of you plopping on the ground, but I know it can’t be you. How I wish it were. I am glad you didn’t have to suffer long and went quickly. I hope it wasn’t painful. I am thankful that we could be with you for your final moments. You weren’t alone. You gave us a lifetime full of joy and I am so thankful that you don’t have to experience the pain of losing your loved ones. I hope you have a big bed in heaven. Probably just like the one I got you. I imagine you laying in it every night just so I know how much you appreciated it.

Despite all these words I’ve written, I still can’t find the ones to tell you goodbye… It’s not goodbye. You are alive in our hearts and our minds, and that’s where you will always live. As silly as all the pictures I would make you take are, I am so glad we have them. We love you Strobey, you will always be our precious boy.

Your sister is so pure. She said she asked God for mommy and daddy to not be sad anymore. My whole heart.

Living, Op-Ed

Don’t Let Relationships Erase You

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I read a really good post recently. So good, that I wish I could just copy and paste the whole thing here because it’s so relevant. Take the time to check it out. It talks about missing someone and not necessarily wanting them to be back in your life.

https://exploringyourmind.com/missing-someone-doesnt-mean-you-want-them-back/

I’m not quite at that point in my journey, I’d still want them back in my life… There’s a silver lining to the article, or something to look forward to. It talks about wanting the good times again; “Think about it: this doesn’t have to happen with the same person. The history and the feelings can be replicated in part with another person now.“

That’s a beautiful sentiment. Knowing that those feelings and emotions you had are not in fact gone forever just because that relationship ended, but rather you will experience them again with someone else. For me, that’s been such a hard part of all this. Mourning the beautiful and endless possibilities of what that relationship could have brought to my life. All the happy moments it did bring to me, along with the inspiration and creativity.

I wrote more poems inspired by this person in the last few months than I have in the last few years. I’m not sure why. It’s ironic how some people can inspire you and others don’t. One of the poems I wrote, I know would have had a great impact on them. I never had the chance to give it, but it was not written in vain. I was able to share it with someone who recently experienced the same thing and it’s been a great source of comfort to them. In a way, maybe I had to meet this other person, in order to be a comfort to someone else.

Life is like that. You meet someone who influences you, changes your life. It can be in a small way, it could be someone you meet once, but you never forget. Moving forward, I would like to challenge myself to only think about the good moments and try not to think about the way things ended. Not forget why, as I will always carry that with me moving forward and apply it to future relationships.

I was listening to a song the other day and it said “people like me are gone forever, when you say goodbye.” That can be so true. I know in previous friendships I’ve had, I’ve been so hurt. I’ve cried, I’ve felt lousy about myself… and some of those people are still in my life to a degree, but a very distant one. You know… the ones you wish happy birthday to on facebook and occasionally comment on their posts.

In order to get to a place of not being hurt anymore, I had to go through a period of shutting them out completely. I had to feel all the feelings and then get to a place where they could no longer hurt me, but also a place where I still wanted them to be happy and well. One person I run into now and again and they’ve mentioned getting together a couple of times. It’s funny, back in the day that would excite me to no end. However, now I don’t even get my hopes up because I know it’s not going to happen. It’s a good thing though, that I’m not upset by this. I kind of just laugh about it… like ok… sure we’ll get together.

I’ve had to stop comparing myself to their other friendships. Stop questioning why they grew close to someone younger than me, if maybe I thought age was a factor or whatever the case may be.

I’ve told myself for half my life already that people are in my life for a reason, and sometimes only for a season. That’s always been hard for me as I’m someone who loves deeply and doesn’t like to let people go.

The good thing is, when we let those people go, we are able to open ourselves up to new relationships, with people who don’t want to erase us from their memories but create new ones.

Living, Op-Ed

Learning to Let Go

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The thing about writing is, when I write, I’m able to focus my mind on that task, for at least a bit. For someone who’s mind is sometimes, constantly racing, that’s a relief. The scenarios I play out in my head stop as I focus on putting words down.

It’s been a full week now since I haven’t spoken to someone I once wanted to talk to every day. It’s true what they say, the first week feels like a month. It’s strange, but it feels like forever ago since we actually did talk. I almost can’t remember what it felt like to be able to send them a message. I try to think about, if things hadn’t gone the way they had, what would we be talking about today? Would they really be interested in anything I had to say?

I keep thinking about what my younger sister told me. How if they had liked me better they wouldn’t have reacted the way they had. They wouldn’t have blocked me. It hurt to think that, but it’s probably true. Not that they didn’t like me at all, just not enough.

If you haven’t listened to the song “Death By a Thousand Cuts” you should. Lyrics that say “if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?” “Flashbacks waking me up.” “I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not.” “Gave up on me like I was a bad drug.” “Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up, gave you so much but it wasn’t enough.”

I feel like, especially that last line is so true of many of my relationships. When you give so much and it doesn’t work out. I was talking to a friend recently who’s life looks pretty fabulous on social media. Always on a trip, or fun outing with friends, but she told me how lonely she has been. How friends that have boyfriends don’t include her in some things and how another group of friends always comes along when she invites them, but they never reach out to invite her.

Friendships should always be two sided, but it feels like there’s always going to be that person who puts in a little more effort. You have to decide if it’s worth it to you, to keep putting in the effort.

I had a friend I once considered my best friend. We haven’t spoken in years and nothing dramatic happened. We were friends for half our lives, we even lived together for a time. As we got a little bit older and started getting married and having kids and she wasn’t able to be there for some pretty big events, I stopped reaching out. I found, she didn’t bother to reach out either. There was no real sadness or ill will, just a faded friendship. I hope she’s doing well. She was an important part of my life.

Part of growing is recognizing and letting go of relationships that don’t add anything to your life and instead take things away. You can lose so much of yourself when you can’t walk away. Your happiness, your time, your energy. Don’t let people who don’t appreciate you, take that from you.

When you think of the word relationship, you have to get out of the stigma that it means a romance. A relationship is anything other than a friendship, it’s how you know someone. It could be a family member, co-worker, a person you just met. A relationship can be many different things, but the simplest form is simply an association with someone. It can be someone that you never were able to form a friendship with, but you were still connected in some way.

For me, the worst part of losing a relationship is not having that potential come to fruition. It’s kind of like dating someone you imagined yourself marrying. Then you break up and it’s devastating. The future you planned for yourself, the visions you had, destroyed.

In hindsight, we can say, thank goodness I didn’t get that future. I didn’t have to go through a failed marriage or divorce. Yet it still hurts. That grief of a now different future has to be mourned. I guess that’s why John Lennon sang “life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”

I wonder about how other people move on sometimes. For instance, when you get mad enough to block someone, are you able to just block them out of your mind? Like ‘I can’t believe they did that, wow, so glad I don’t have to have them in my life any more,’ then just never think about them? For me? I’ve thought about them every single day. I try not to be mad at myself, I try to remind myself I was only trying to be kind and acting in a way that is familiar to me. That other people also in put in the same scenario, have stated they wouldn’t have been bothered. Yet everyone is different. So for one person it might have been a welcomed gesture, but for this person, it wasn’t.

I keep thinking about the times when it would have been okay and would it would not have. The thing is, we behave in a manner in which we are accustomed. We all grow up with not only different beliefs and morals, but are shown what’s acceptable and what’s not. So what could be very normal for one person, is unacceptable for another. It doesn’t necessarily mean either is wrong.

I go back to customs. In certain countries, people are greeted with a kiss on each cheek. Here in America? Someone might slap you for that, press charges, try to make sure you never come into a position of power. So again, it goes back to what you are accustomed to and what you deem as acceptable.

Communication. Make those feelings known so you can be validated. Hey, you did this, it made me really uncomfortable, I would appreciate it if you did not do that again. If that person respects you, chances are, they won’t do it again.

That’s when my mind wanders back to what my sister said. Truth is, maybe they already wanted me out of their life and now they had a reason to just cut all ties.

This is where I have to remind myself that I am not a bad person. That my heart was in the right place. To learn from this so that it was not all for naught. I have to remind myself, as hard as it is, to not let it change me, just change my actions. I can still have a big heart, I can still love people. I just need to slow down, realize not everyone wants to be loved and assess each and every relationship. It’s better to be overly cautious in some circumstances to make sure the other person is comfortable. Respect boundaries and clarify them. So next time I want to mail someone cookies, I’ll make sure it’s okay with them first.