Tag Archives: closure

Living

How Not Having Closure Can Actually Be a Good Thing

Leave a comment

Sometimes not having closure can be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, it can be one of the worst things to never get. You can spend so much time and energy constantly analyzing what went wrong when you are never given a reason for why things turned out the way they did. 

You can have made up conversations that never take place that make you cry. Sometimes it’s sort of like giving yourself closure. You can say to them what you want and can feel empowered. Yet you still also feel really sad. The end result is always the same… it’s over. 

Naturally we look to ourselves for blame. What did we do to make things end? Why did they leave us? Why didn’t we get the decency of knowing why they decided to go away? 

We spend so much time asking ourself these questions. We make up scenarios if they were to ever contact us with just the simplest message and then we have a 27 paragraph response of everything we want to say. 

But we never get to say them… because they will never contact us. Some people make a decision and never look back. That doesn’t mean at times they might not think about you or regret their choice… but they don’t change their mind. Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s not wanting to go back to the past.

But there’s one thing the lack of closure can give you… an alternate ending. An ending that might not be real but you get to believe is real so that you can move on. 

Don’t get me wrong, I myself am not even there yet. But since I don’t know why my story ended the way it did… I get to decide why. Instead of trying to analyze everything I ever said or did, I can acknowledge that while I probably did things that upset or bothered that person, nothing was unforgivable. Nothing was something we couldn’t have talked about or worked through if they truly wanted me in their life. I’m starting to think they had to deal with so much toxicity that they can’t avoid… it’s there in the family… it’s at work. That if one thing seeming goes wrong that they can walk away from… they do… for their own sanity. Sure it’s not fair, and you should be given another chance, but they are choosing what’s best for them in that moment. You are collateral damage, but it doesn’t mean you are damaged.

It’s a tough place to be because I have to realize that to them I wasn’t someone worth putting in effort for. I was simply someone they got annoyed with and decided to never talk to again. Without a warning and without repeated infringements. 

But again, I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about all this sadness… about why I wasn’t enough for them. So I get to write a new ending. Since the actual ending is unknown to me…

Instead of thinking that this person cut me out of their life because they don’t care about me…. I get to make my own ending. For instance, instead of what could possibly be true… like the fact they untagged themself in all of our photos together… my mind immediately went to the thought of them trying to erase me from their life. That they don’t even want other people to know we were ever friends or associated with one another. 

But what if instead I change that narrative… regardless of the actual reasoning… since I don’t know what that is and this version is so heartbreaking and painful… what if instead I imagine it is hard for them. Although it seems unlikely and out of character for them to spend time missing me or even thinking about me… but I have to give them some type of humanity to move on.

So the new narrative goes that instead of them wanting to disassociate from me, they untagged themselves because seeing photos of us together is a painful reminder of what they lost. Even though it was their choice to end things and walk away… they still have their own feelings and thoughts. 

For instance… they could read me giving them space and time to heal and work out problems in other areas of their life as me being upset, mad, and petty. Maybe they think I’m the one that moved on. 

Communication is always important and I would have explained everything, but they never gave me a chance. So they have their own narrative of why things ended and why they aren’t communicating with me. So I get to make this a part of the narrative. That they do realize they are missing out on having someone great in their life and they don’t want to be reminded of that because they don’t want to deal with those emotions or feelings. So instead of dealing with them, it’s easier to erase me and make it so I never existed. That’s how they are choosing to move on. They have to go back and revisit other connections and try to make up for the emptiness they now feel. It doesn’t look hard for them, but maybe it’s a part of the show.

That’s how they operate. Sure, that’s not you… or me. Me? I’ve cried nearly every day for the past two months… wondering to myself when it will stop feeling so raw and so painful. I constantly wonder about things and think ahead to the future. I’ve been in anguish over the missed holidays and not being able to send them kind messages. How I now have to take others to the birthday celebration I had planned for them. I know there are still going to be plenty of days ahead where I feel broken and unable to move forward. So I will do what I can with the lack of closure and the lack of knowing and perhaps give myself a happier ending. Where where I am at times missed and still thought of, but they can’t let anyone else know that. Sure I wear my heart on my sleeve and have emotions so big, even I’m sick of them. But all those emotions will one day be put to good use. I will find other people to love and give my time and energy to, while also trying to do that more with the other really amazing people I have in my life.

This loss feels huge and I’ll probably always think about them. I just hope one day I can do that without crying.

Living, Op-Ed

Your Kindness is Not a Weakness

Leave a comment

I’ve been reading a lot of words of wisdom lately. I feel like everyone needs to have their feelings validated in some way. One of the best things I’ve read said:

“Your kindness is not a weakness. There is power in your ability to be kind and loving without conditions, but it is essential to know that this power is not for everyone. You’re going to meet a few (people) who don’t know what to do with your love.”

– R.H. Sin

My friends keep telling me this. In fact, they warned me, “they’re not ready for you.” Thinking to myself, am I that bad? No, they say, they love how much I love, but unless you’re prepared for it, it can be overwhelming.

I’ve experienced that many times in my life. I’ve even experienced it with people who have told me it’s too much, but are thankfully still my friend today… for others… they just don’t know what to do and friendships don’t always last.

Another thing people have been telling me is that they find it’s really easy to love. They are like me in that sense, they love but they don’t always allow themselves to be loved. It takes a certain vulnerability to not just show love, but be open to it. Me? I welcome it. I cherish it. But I don’t always get it and you’re not going to always be loved the same way you love.

I also read, how, not everyone has the same heart as you do… We can’t expect to get in return, the same amount of love that we give. To be honest, I’d like just a small fraction from some people. But I have to realize, that if they can’t even give that, as much as I care about them, they are not adding anything positive to my life and instead are taking away positivity, leaving me with negativity and sadness.

There are some people that no matter what, think they have nothing to offer. Yet for some reason, they matter to you. They haven’t done anything truly profound, but you’re drawn to them… why? Sometimes it’s unexplainable. You feel a connection, you love with your whole heart, even when that person hasn’t truly been a huge part of your life. You respect who they are, you admire them. You think they are a great person and you desire to have them in your life in a deeper way than they are.

I mean, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by people they respect and admire? Someone you can tell has a good heart. We want that. We want to surround ourselves with amazing people, however, not everyone who is amazing will want to be surrounded by us. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means, for whatever the reason, they don’t need your goodness in their life. Hopefully it’s because they already have enough of it.

I remember one time, I was friends with someone I met while working out of state in college. When I got home for Christmas break, that person told me that they didn’t really see us as friends moving forward, and just sort of mentioned how I think our personalities were different. I was (still am) a big hugger. Where I went to college, was very conservative and honestly it’s like people aren’t use to hugging or something. Anyway, I’m not sure what happened after that, but we did end up still continuing on to be friends. Even though we live a part, we still talk. She called me when she got engaged, I went to her wedding. Now we get to watch from a distance as our kid(s) grow up. I appreciate her communication. It’s probably what helped us continue to be friends. Not sure if I had to scale back a bit and give less hugs, or if she just had to understand me more and what makes me who I am. We still did hug.

Love comes in so many ways and when we talk about love, it’s not the I’m “in love” with you type love. It’s just a normal part of relationships… parents… siblings… friendships. We love all those people in varying degrees and we show that love in many different ways.

Everyone needs love differently. Some of you may have heard of the five love languages. Basically, it talks about ways that people show love and need love. Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each person needs and gives in different ways. For instance, I feel like I am very good at giving all five types of love, but the ones I need in return would be quality time and physical touch (aka hugging). Not everyone likes hugs, they make some people uncomfortable. That is something you have to know about the other person. That is not a way to meet their needs. Communicating these needs is very important and even sometimes what you don’t need so that you aren’t uncomfortable in a relationship.

Then there’s people like me. People that will probably overwhelm you at first. You wonder, does this person have anyone else in their life that they talk to or are close with? They kind of seem obsessed with me.

I promise you, I have a lot of other people I talk to. I have two best friends I text with all day, every day. I have another best friend I have weekly phone dates with, another friend we have multiple phone dates every week. What I don’t have, is someone physically present to grab coffee with or give a hug to (due to distance). I send my friends gifts, I give them my phone time, but I don’t have someone to be present. I am missing a very important aspect of how I need to receive love.

So when I find someone, when I meet someone, I think great, here is a person I can potentially hang out with, hug, spend time with. I’ve been waiting for this person. I can tell they are a great person, someone I really want to know and then bam, are we best friends yet? For me, there’s no question. I want to talk to them every day, I want them to know how special and important they are. For them? It’s all a little overwhelming for someone they barely know.

I was speaking to my sister about this. She told me that I need to give them time to catch up. Patience. Yes, I’m there, but I need to let them get there or it will be snuffed out before it’s even started.

I recently snuffed out a potential relationship with someone and I’ve been dealing with it the best I can. It’s hard when there’s no hope of reconciliation. Another thing I read recently stated that we will not always have closure.

“You will not have closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself. Most of what other people do is about them, not you. Some things cannot be explained. Some people won’t apologize because they can’t. You cannot change people no matter how much you think they need to change, people change themselves.”

I think it was important to read this, because even though you might have done something, it might not have been as bad as the average person would have taken it. However, it could be the thing that breaks that person. They could have issues with things similar in the past, so for them, it’s a done deal. It’s something small to someone else, but they cannot move past it. Again, some things cannot be explained. Sometimes you won’t have a chance to say goodbye, because that person has cut you out of their life, blocked you, and not given you the opportunity to even bid them adieu. Is it fair? No.

You can’t let that control your life, it almost cost someone I know, their future wife. Closed up, guarded, not truly letting walls down. Enough so that a person realizes they are never going to be let in and are finally ready to move on. Then closure presented itself and you know what that person found? They no longer needed it. They finally realized what a good and healthy relationship looked like and were ready to let the walls fall down.

It’s hard. It takes work. When someone rejects us, when they mess with our sense of self, it destroys a part of you. You don’t feel good enough to be loved by anyone else. You feel disgusted that you let someone you admired and respected down. You don’t trust yourself.

You are so loving to everyone else, but not loving to yourself. Loving yourself is hard, you may never truly understand what it means to love yourself, I know I don’t. So instead, be patient with yourself. Know that change doesn’t happen over night, but baby steps are a good start. Take time to heal. Whatever form that means. Take a day off, a week. Go somewhere. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re broken, but you are not beyond repair.