Tag Archives: grief

Remembrance (Un Recuerdo Mío)

When I joined my hospital’s UPC (unit practice council) team, we wanted to put together a grievance package. Working in the ICU (intensive care unit) is often times very challenging. Not only is there a lot going on with each patient, but there are also a lot of emotions. When it comes to the end of life, there is often more we wish we could do as medical personnel.

It was such a honor to work on this project and give families a little bit of their loved one. We decided that we wanted to include a poem and also a handprint of each patient who passed away. Not knowing if there would be any legal issues with using an already published poem, I offered to write one for the hospital to use.

We found a company that produced inkless handprint kits and our manager worked it into the budget to put everything together. We even ordered fancy folders to keep them safe. The kind diplomas usually come in.

After this project took off, we decided we also wanted to work on a spanish version of the poem since we have such a huge spanish speaking population. I asked my friend, and former high school Spanish teacher to assist me. The spanish version was then approved by the hospital translator and worked into production.

I wanted to share this poem here in case it helps someone else. I am so thankful that we have been able to create this beautiful memory to give to families so they have a little bit of their loved one with them.

Remembrance

When you think about time, you always wish there was more

And when you think about life, you never know what’s in store.

Time always keeps going, even when we think it shouldn’t.

Words always seem to fail us, when we wish they wouldn’t.

Time will never be enough, it wasn’t long enough with you

Know that when I needed someone, you always saw me through.

Although you no longer hear my voice, here is what I would say.

Life will be different now, but the sun will rise each day.

You will miss me while I’m gone, but I will see you again,

When you need to feel my love, a sign I will send.

It will take time, but your world will once again align,

And when you need a hand to hold, here’s a remembrance of mine.

~Jennifer R. W. Vargas, RN, BSN

Un Recuerdo Mío

Cuando se piensa en el tiempo, siempre deseamos que haya más.

Y cuando se piensa en la vida, nunca se sabe lo que nos espera.

El tiempo sigue, aun cuando así no lo deseamos

Las palabras siempre parecen fallarnos, cuando más las necesitamos.

Nunca hay tiempo suficiente, así como no lo fue suficiente contigo

Ten en mente que cuando yo necesitaba a alguien, siempre estabas tú conmigo. 

Aunque ya no puedas oír mi voz, esto es lo que te diría.

La vida será diferente de hoy en día, pero el sol saldrá cada día

Me extrañarás mientras yo no esté, pero yo de nuevo te veré

Cuando necesitas sentir mi amor, una señal mandaré.

Tomará tiempo, pero tu mundo volverá a alinearse

Y cuando necesitas una mano para sostenerte, aquí te dejo un recuerdo mío.

~ Jennifer R.W. Vargas, RN, BSN

Angel Baby

For years this poem was lost. Untitled and written for my best friend who suffered a miscarriage halfway through her pregnancy. There’s a picture of us that was taken about a week before it happened. I have my hand on her belly. Her belly really popped and I was feeling the baby kick. I had not yet had a child myself and could not imagine the despair she was facing. I just knew I wanted to try to help ease some of her pain. I’m not sure if I did. Writing was always my go to. I wrote poems for every occasion, holiday, and birthday. I hadn’t much touched on subjects so heartbreaking as this. I finally found this poem, written on the back of a flyer for 3-year-old bible verses. We taught Sunday school together. I found it in a container with some other collections of things. Old concert tickets, and other mementos. I’m still not sure how it ended up in there. I keep all of my poetry together. This poem was definitely written in a time where I kept notebooks for poems. I’m not sure what possessed me to write it on the back of this flyer, or why it wasn’t stored with my other poems. But now, over a decade has passed and my beautiful best friend had a rainbow baby. Although the pain of losing a child never truly goes away, maybe for a moment, it was kind just to know that someone wished they could take that pain away and do anything to make it hurt less. This is for Kelly, the most amazing mother and friend.

Angel Baby
There are so many things that you don’t understand
It’s hard to imagine they can be a part of God’s plan.
You try to accept what you cannot comprehend
You pray to God to fix what you cannot mend.
You try to be strong, put on a brave face
You wish and hope for your thoughts to erase.
For so long you wanted, for so long you’ve dreamed
It was becoming a reality, or so it seemed.
You have loved enough, you have led a good life
Been a caring mother, and a wonderful wife.
So many blessings have come and yet one was taken
As hard as you try, your universe has been shaken.
You have faith that the blessing will come once more
But you no longer know what God has in store.
You are not alone; you have friends by your side
Someone has lifted up a prayer for every time you’ve cried.
You’re not made of stone; you don’t always have to be strong
When the pieces have crumbled, someone will come along.
God hears your prayers; He knows what you need
He’s with you always, comforting while you grieve.
He’ll give you strength when you feel you have none
Lift your spirits when you’re weary and can’t run.
For it is written, ask and you shall receive
In times of trials, it can be hard to believe.
Your faith, courage, and strength will see you through
And when that’s not enough, know I’m always here for you.

~ Jennifer R. W. Vargas

September, 2010

I’ll Hold Your Hand

I’ll Hold Your Hand

When all forces are pulling you back, who is there to hold your hand?
When all you see is water, who helps you make it to dry land?
When all hope is lost who brings you to the light?
Who guides you until you once again have sight?
Are those you know now, those who will always care
As years pass are your old friends still there?
So much is unseen, wouldn’t you like to know
Those who will remain, not just come and go?
Goodbyes are hard, yet some friends last forever
Some in your life you will have to say goodbye to never.
So temporary is everything so broad is the range
And yet there is still the surprise with every change.
Who knows you are sad even when you smile?
Who will never desert you in your darkest trial?
Who can say will never leave when all has gone away?
What true friend do you know of that will always stay?
It might be hard to think about, difficult to ponder
But while others may leave, I am only growing fonder.
Sometimes it may be hard, but I try to show I do
I long for you to feel all the love I have for you.
Your smile blesses my heart; your hugs warm my soul
Your love makes me stronger; your presence makes me whole.
I love you with all my heart; I only hope it is enough
To demonstrate I’ll be here, even when it’s rough.
I’m blessed to be in your life and you to have found
A friend I truly value and always enjoy being around.

~ Jennifer R. W. Vargas

July 13, 2005

Age 17. Written for a friend who seemed as if deep down there was so much hurt going on that they didn’t want others to see, but I saw it anyway. I just wanted her to know that I would never leave and always be there. That she could feel safe opening up about anything heavy she needed to let go of.

How Not Having Closure Can Actually Be a Good Thing

Sometimes not having closure can be a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, it can be one of the worst things to never get. You can spend so much time and energy constantly analyzing what went wrong when you are never given a reason for why things turned out the way they did. 

You can have made up conversations that never take place that make you cry. Sometimes it’s sort of like giving yourself closure. You can say to them what you want and can feel empowered. Yet you still also feel really sad. The end result is always the same… it’s over. 

Naturally we look to ourselves for blame. What did we do to make things end? Why did they leave us? Why didn’t we get the decency of knowing why they decided to go away? 

We spend so much time asking ourself these questions. We make up scenarios if they were to ever contact us with just the simplest message and then we have a 27 paragraph response of everything we want to say. 

But we never get to say them… because they will never contact us. Some people make a decision and never look back. That doesn’t mean at times they might not think about you or regret their choice… but they don’t change their mind. Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s not wanting to go back to the past.

But there’s one thing the lack of closure can give you… an alternate ending. An ending that might not be real but you get to believe is real so that you can move on. 

Don’t get me wrong, I myself am not even there yet. But since I don’t know why my story ended the way it did… I get to decide why. Instead of trying to analyze everything I ever said or did, I can acknowledge that while I probably did things that upset or bothered that person, nothing was unforgivable. Nothing was something we couldn’t have talked about or worked through if they truly wanted me in their life. I’m starting to think they had to deal with so much toxicity that they can’t avoid… it’s there in the family… it’s at work. That if one thing seeming goes wrong that they can walk away from… they do… for their own sanity. Sure it’s not fair, and you should be given another chance, but they are choosing what’s best for them in that moment. You are collateral damage, but it doesn’t mean you are damaged.

It’s a tough place to be because I have to realize that to them I wasn’t someone worth putting in effort for. I was simply someone they got annoyed with and decided to never talk to again. Without a warning and without repeated infringements. 

But again, I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about all this sadness… about why I wasn’t enough for them. So I get to write a new ending. Since the actual ending is unknown to me…

Instead of thinking that this person cut me out of their life because they don’t care about me…. I get to make my own ending. For instance, instead of what could possibly be true… like the fact they untagged themself in all of our photos together… my mind immediately went to the thought of them trying to erase me from their life. That they don’t even want other people to know we were ever friends or associated with one another. 

But what if instead I change that narrative… regardless of the actual reasoning… since I don’t know what that is and this version is so heartbreaking and painful… what if instead I imagine it is hard for them. Although it seems unlikely and out of character for them to spend time missing me or even thinking about me… but I have to give them some type of humanity to move on.

So the new narrative goes that instead of them wanting to disassociate from me, they untagged themselves because seeing photos of us together is a painful reminder of what they lost. Even though it was their choice to end things and walk away… they still have their own feelings and thoughts. 

For instance… they could read me giving them space and time to heal and work out problems in other areas of their life as me being upset, mad, and petty. Maybe they think I’m the one that moved on. 

Communication is always important and I would have explained everything, but they never gave me a chance. So they have their own narrative of why things ended and why they aren’t communicating with me. So I get to make this a part of the narrative. That they do realize they are missing out on having someone great in their life and they don’t want to be reminded of that because they don’t want to deal with those emotions or feelings. So instead of dealing with them, it’s easier to erase me and make it so I never existed. That’s how they are choosing to move on. They have to go back and revisit other connections and try to make up for the emptiness they now feel. It doesn’t look hard for them, but maybe it’s a part of the show.

That’s how they operate. Sure, that’s not you… or me. Me? I’ve cried nearly every day for the past two months… wondering to myself when it will stop feeling so raw and so painful. I constantly wonder about things and think ahead to the future. I’ve been in anguish over the missed holidays and not being able to send them kind messages. How I now have to take others to the birthday celebration I had planned for them. I know there are still going to be plenty of days ahead where I feel broken and unable to move forward. So I will do what I can with the lack of closure and the lack of knowing and perhaps give myself a happier ending. Where where I am at times missed and still thought of, but they can’t let anyone else know that. Sure I wear my heart on my sleeve and have emotions so big, even I’m sick of them. But all those emotions will one day be put to good use. I will find other people to love and give my time and energy to, while also trying to do that more with the other really amazing people I have in my life.

This loss feels huge and I’ll probably always think about them. I just hope one day I can do that without crying.

The Sun Will Rise

The Sun Will Rise

So brightly does the sun light up the sky
and the moon glows in the dim starry nigh’.
The day is always lit, its beauty not always seen
As the night comes, we value what daylight means.
Shadows are often cast, blocking out the light
Then the darkness comes, we are lost in the night.
Overwhelmed by the dark and yet the light so far
Then a glimpse of hope, from the glow of a star.
Although the darkness comes, the sun will rise
Casting out the night, the darkness slowly dies.
The light never seems to come, yet it always will
Though patience and prayer as we sit still.
The darkness is just dark, it is not the end of light
Although vision is lost, the day will bring back sight.
Even though the dark seems weary and trying on the soul
Daylight comes to restore, put together what was whole.
Time goes by, nights only seem to pass
Faith tells us that darkness, shall not last.
Nothing will come that we cannot bear
Throughout the darkness, God was still there.
He holds our hand and leads us through
Never once alone, God is always with you.
The darkness will fade and light again exist
It may be a long journey, continue to persist.
Light will come again and you will once again see day
Strength you will feel, as you find your way.
For just as the sun sets, it rises on the eastern side
and you shall once again live, as swiftly as the tide.
When darkness comes around, God has given the moon’s glow
So you may know and trust that light will soon show.
Brighter days lie ahead and the darkness will soon fade
Don’t think of shadows as darkness, think of them as shade.

~ Jennifer R. W. Vargas

March 23, 2006

Age 19. To give a glimmer of hope that dark times will not always consume you. There will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through to the other end. Even when it feels like you have lost your way, look around and try to find the glimmers of hope. Hold on to them until you make it out, back into the daylight, no longer surrounded by clouds of darkness.