Tag Archives: grief

The Distance in Time

December 10, 2021 Jencita Vargas Leave a comment

The Distance in Time
Long are the days I try to make sense of all that came to be
Memories flash through my head, I see you smiling at me.
Long are the talks we use to have, never afraid to speak our mind
Working though life’s problems, until a solution we could find.
Long are the cries I now have as I wonder where I went wrong
And how the time we spent apart went from short to long.
Now I long for the time I could count down til our next embrace
Knowing it won’t come, is a heartbreak I’d never thought I’d face.
I long to hear the sound of your laugh and the tone of your text
To feel the excitement of knowing when I could see you next.
Longing for answers that will never come, of how I pushed you away
Wondering how I could of changed, to make you want to stay.
Short is the time it took for you to go and leave me behind
What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and press rewind.
Shorter did our interactions become, until there were none at all
How many times I wished for one more, no matter how small.
No matter how much time passes, there are things I can’t undo
And no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop loving you.
You have imprinted on my soul, left a lasting impression on my heart
Having to learn to live life without you, has been the hardest part.
So now I have to love you from afar, instead of by your side
And be thankful for the moments we had, now lost in the tide.
I won’t forget how you loved me, I know that you truly did care
And I’ll try not to dwell on why you no longer wanted to be there.
I still think of you with kindness, my dearest, sweet friend
I wish I could have been there for you, ‘til the very end.
I know in life you will succeed and happiness will come your way
And I will silently cheer you on while I think of you each day.
You changed my life and gave me hope that I’m someone worth being
I will try to shine bright and remember that I’m meant to be seen.
Thank you for all the time you spent, each memory is dear
And I will always wish for you the best, year after year.

~ Jennifer R. W. Vargas

November 29, 2021

They say people come into your life for a reason, sometimes for a season, and sometimes for a lifetime. They say some people are meant to cross into our paths. They could be there also for a season or a lifetime. Sometimes the people you thought would be there for forever, end up leaving. Sometimes they leave without a word. True friendship losses are the worst. You trusted someone with every part of you. You feel accepted and loved and safe to be yourself. You hang out with each other for no other reason then just you enjoy each other’s company. So when it all fades away and you don’t know why. It’s a true heartache that is untouchable. There’s a lot of songs and articles about romantic breakups, but it’s so hard to describe a true friendship breakup. But it destroys you. A part of you died and you feel at times incomplete without that person you would always run to tell about your day. About anything. That person you could count on to make you laugh, to listen to you when you would cry, and who would build you up when you were feeling down. I guess that’s why it’s been so hard. Why I cry so much, especially when it feels like the other person hasn’t even given you a second thought, when they used to hold you so dear. It might make more sense if there was some fight, some big thing that happened. Instead you’re left to try to analyze and wonder what it is you said or did that made them want to move on with their life without you in it. The hardest part is asking if they want to be friends, if they want you in their life, and getting no response. It leaves an emptiness inside you. A sense of grief that makes you feel somehow unloveable. Is everything they said all a lie? Does it not matter anymore? Suddenly you are no longer a person that makes their life better, and makes them feel lucky that you are in it. It’s amazing how quickly things can change, how quickly others can seem to forget and move on. The worse part is not being able to be the one to so easily let everything go. For holding on to hope but knowing deep down there is nothing to hold on to. All you are left with is plans that will no longer come to fruition, and memories of all the wonderful times you had together. You have to try to silence out the questions and the what-ifs because nothing will ever change them. You will probably never get the answers you hope for and if you ever do, they will come when you no longer need them. They will come when that person finally feels the need to reach out or even apologize for letting go of an amazing person. You just have to have hope that someone else is out there who is waiting for you to open up your heart again and trust that real friendship is still out there, it’s just not with the person you had no choice but to let go of.

poetry

NEVER TRULY GONE – A Poem For Widows

June 23, 2021 Jencita Vargas Leave a comment

Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables) spoke of having a kindred spirit. Someone you share a meaningful connection with. You don’t have to come from the same beginnings, or even have similar life events, but something draws you together. It can be an event or circumstance, or it can be two people who have similar values or interests that connect you in such a way, it almost feels as if you are the same person.

Sometimes, you meet someone who changes your life in the best way. Someone you talk to and you feel like you’ve known your whole life, even though you’ve barely met. You can feel what they are feeling even though you’ve never gone through the things they have. It’s almost as if your spirits really do connect.

There was a time I came across someone that lost her husband; I tried to put into words what she must be going through. A long time has passed since his death, but there are days those wounds still feel fresh. I wanted her to know that she is seen, that her feelings are valid no matter how much time has passed, and also, to share these words to hopefully help someone else who is going through the same loss. Dealing with those impossible feelings that eat at the soul and don’t allow you to come up for air. Maybe, for a moment, you feel less alone.

So, on International Widow’s Day, may you have a little more grace shown, a little more kindness, a little more patience and a friend who never gets tired of the waves of emotions life has thrown at you. I can only hope to be that kind of friend to someone who needs a little extra love in their life.

Never Truly Gone
I never imagined our time would come to an abrupt end
Some days it really hurts and others I think I’m on the mend.
I only feel okay because I’ve forgotten that it’s real
It comes in huge waves and I haven’t learned how to heal.
Sometimes it feels like the world is moving too fast
While others have moved on, I cannot get past.
My former life was happy, what will a new normal be?
How can I move forward without you here with me?
Everyone is staring, their eyes pierce my soul
Can they see right through? Know that I’m not whole?
When someone offers help are they really being true?
Or just being polite because they don’t know what to do?
Some days that I wake, I wish that I had not
I might never be ready to give love another shot.
This pain is too much to bear, will it ever be less?
Will I pull my life together and not feel like such a mess?
How long is too long to avoid social scenes?
No one understands what losing you means.
Plans for our future were over before they truly began
You were not just a kind person, you were the BEST man.
Some days I think I’m fine, then I break down and cry
I’m still trying to process the ‘how?’ and the ‘why?’
They say “time heals all wounds” and maybe one day I’ll be fine
But I’ll never forget that you loved me and that you used to be mine.
So for you I’ll keep going and I’ll find a way to be strong
No matter how much time passes, in my heart you’ll always belong.
One day the pain will be manageable, I’ll be able to laugh and smile
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, you’re in my thoughts all the while.
I might even believe that grin painted across my face
If I find love again, know you’ll never be replaced.
I know you’d want me to be happy, to find true bliss
I’ll make new memories for all the ones we’ll miss.
For you, I’ll embrace my new life and live without a care
For daylight always comes, after a nightmare.

~ Jennifer R.W. Vargas

Living

What Happens When a Pet Dies?

January 29, 2021 Jencita Vargas Leave a comment

Last night our world was shattered as we watched you take your last breath. I hugged your dad and felt him hugging me. I could feel that he needed to be hugged. It’s not a feeling I often feel. You hug someone and you enjoy the comfort of their arms wrapped around you, allowing you to feel safe, protected, and loved; but you don’t often feel that they also need that hug. He cried last night, it’s probably only the third time I’ve seen him cry in our 12 years together. He loved you. We all did. He called you his little puppy and asked you not to die on his birthday, which was just the day before. So loyal to the end, you even waited til the next day.

I could tell you were having a bad day towards the afternoon. There were times during the last few weeks where we would physically have to help you get up, as your back legs weakened. Then there were several days in a row where you would get around on your own just fine, wagging your tail, as happy as ever.

We took you to the vet a few weeks ago. You hadn’t really eaten in a couple days and I was scared you were dying. Your stomach seemed upset and we figured it was the new vitamins we started you on for your arthritis. You ate a little the day we took you to the vet, but decided to still go anyway. They gave you some medicine for your upset stomach and the veterinarian said she felt a mass while palpating your abdomen. She wasn’t sure of the exact location and said it would require more testing. The testing would have been unpleasant and with your advanced age, there was no sense in putting you through that. We wanted you to live out the rest of your days the way you always have, with the people you love, feeling as best as you could.

I am glad we had some time to prepare. I was already sad about the days where you seemed lethargic and didn’t come get me at dinner time to feed you. Or how you usually come over to wherever I am a bunch of times, just so I can pet you.

You were the best dog. You never barked, and greeted anyone who came over. You have such a big heart. From day one, you let your sister climb all over you. She loved you too. She would greet you every morning and made sure we didn’t pass by without saying hello or goodbye to you, even if we wouldn’t be gone that long.

She would run to my room and say excitedly: “Mom, Strobehn’s in his new bed!” That new bed wasn’t cheap, but you rarely laid in it. You preferred the comfort of your old pillow, even though it wasn’t as padded, you loved it. Whenever you laid in your bed, I would get so excited and snap a photo. You laid in that bed the last two days, almost as if to let me know you were thankful for the love we have shown you. Trying to give us joy until the end.

You followed me everywhere, daddy called you my shadow. Even when your arthritis got bad and we tried to keep you from coming up the stairs, you would knock over the barrier, because you needed to be with your people. The morning you passed you even laid outside my shower door, wanting to be as close as you could. I couldn’t even get you to move when it was time to come out. Your hearing had gotten bad towards the end. I tried to nudge you with the door, but you still didn’t budge. I had to call daddy up to get you to move. I knew you loved me.

Later that afternoon while your sister and daddy went to the park, I laid with you on the floor. We talked and I told you it was okay to go. That we would be okay, I didn’t want you to be in pain anymore. That you lived a good long life and gave us so much joy. I told you I loved you.

A little while later, you would get up and move spots. You did this several times, even though it was physically difficult. You would be short of breath and your legs would give out, but you kept moving. I had always heard about dogs knowing when it’s their time to go, that they sort of look for a place to die. Is that what you were doing?

Your final resting place was upstairs in our room. Watching you die was the hardest experience. I saw your legs flicker and went over to you, I saw your tongue touching the ground and wondered if you had a stroke. Your breathing was slow and deep. I called your daddy up and we hugged and cried as you took your last breaths. It’s not often your daddy needs something, but he needed to be able to comfort me and be comforted at the same time. You were such a good boy.

Your sister saw us crying. I don’t think she truly understands death or that we will never see you again. She asked if you would be dead forever. She instinctually put out both her arms as she saw me crying so that she could hug me as long as I needed. She is such a good sister. She would argue with her friends that you were her brother, despite the fact you were not human. You were the best brother.

Daddy had to call to have your body picked up, they didn’t even offer their condolences. Don’t they realize that losing you has caused so much heartache? We had to wrap you up and carry you downstairs to be kept in a cool place. I hated that you had to be kept in the garage. It felt cruel even though you were no longer alive. You deserved better than that.

This morning I got up after a night of not sleeping and having a severe headache. I saw your empty water bowl and broke into tears. There was no need to fill it up anymore. I had to go into the garage to get my lunch and I saw your lifeless body wrapped in a sheet and cried again.

I’ll never be able to pet you again. I won’t be able to kiss your head, scratch your ears, or dry you off when you come in out of the rain. I won’t be greeted by you when I come home from work, or know when it’s 5pm because you’ve come put your head on my lap, letting me know it’s dinner time.

I wish I could tell you how much joy you brought to our family. I hope you knew how loved you were. There will never be a dog as wonderful as you. You were the perfect family dog. You made friends with everyone. Your sister and I used to joke about this woman in the neighborhood who would walk around our cul de sac every day on her evening walk. We would be outside enjoying the outdoors and whenever she walked by you would go over to her so she could pet you. When we would see her coming we would say, “Strobehn, your friend is here.”

You had such a gentle personality, it’s funny to think anyone could be afraid of you because of your size and color. Your eyes revealed your gentle spirit. I’m going to miss scratching your belly and having you put your paw on my arm because you didn’t want me to stop.

Sometimes I think I hear the sound of you plopping on the ground, but I know it can’t be you. How I wish it were. I am glad you didn’t have to suffer long and went quickly. I hope it wasn’t painful. I am thankful that we could be with you for your final moments. You weren’t alone. You gave us a lifetime full of joy and I am so thankful that you don’t have to experience the pain of losing your loved ones. I hope you have a big bed in heaven. Probably just like the one I got you. I imagine you laying in it every night just so I know how much you appreciated it.

Despite all these words I’ve written, I still can’t find the ones to tell you goodbye… It’s not goodbye. You are alive in our hearts and our minds, and that’s where you will always live. As silly as all the pictures I would make you take are, I am so glad we have them. We love you Strobey, you will always be our precious boy.

Your sister is so pure. She said she asked God for mommy and daddy to not be sad anymore. My whole heart.

poetry

Daddy’s Girl – For All the Daughters Who Have Lost Their Dad

December 26, 2020 Jencita Vargas Leave a comment

One of the greatest gifts a dad can give to their child, is just being present in their life. The time dads spend with their children does not go unnoticed. Dad’s can be so fun and full of energy and life. Strong enough to lift you over their head and fast enough to chase you around. Brave enough to go on camping trips and adventurous enough to take you on hikes and go fishing.

father and child having fun — Photo by Tatiana Syrikova on Pexels.com

They say that being a daddy’s girl is one of the greatest things. A man who sets an example of how to be strong yet gentle, firm but kind. Having an unbreakable bond with a dad is so important. Not everyone has that, so if you do, treasure it. Be kind to those who have lost it, for it’s a pain that is hard to bear.

If there’s anything we’ve learned over this last year, it’s how not to take things and people for granted. The time we get to spend with them. The memories we have shared and the hard ways we have had to say goodbye to some of the most important people in our lives.

I know some incredibly strong young women personally who have lost their dads over this last year, and even more before then. I hope this poem I wrote inspired by one of those special young ladies, helps more of you to heal who have lost that irreplaceable man in your life.

I want to encourage you to keep those memories alive, in any way possible. They might even make you feel closer to your dad, even though he is physically no longer with you.

Daddy’s Girl

Nothing can quite explain the emptiness of you not being here
Each day I wake up and have to relive my worst fear.
I think about something, I instantly have to share
I pick up the phone, then remember you’re not there.
Who am I supposed to call when my car breaks down?
Who will intimidate my new boyfriend when I bring him around?
Who is going to tell the jokes, no one else thinks are funny?
Or give me advice on how to invest my money?
What about those weekend trips we spent out by the lake?
And all the father-daughter memories I’m supposed to make?
What do I do when Father’s Day comes each June?
Or when people expect me to move on, but it feels too soon?
When will the days not seem quite as tough?
My time with you was simply not enough.
I’m not sure how to move forward, without feeling such grief
Or be mad that cancer took you from me like a thief.
I’ll try to remember all the memories we’ve shared
And how lucky I was, to have a dad that really cared.
The memories we’ve shared, won’t be hard to find
I’ve engraved each one, so they will be fresh on my mind.
There still will be times, where more tears are shed,
But I’ll try not to lose sight of all the life I have ahead.
The lessons I’ve learned will shape the life I lead,
I know you’d want me to live a full life and succeed.
I’ll look after mom, she’s still in good hands
And we’ll still include you in all of our plans.
We’ll visit you often and talk every day
And laugh as we imagine exactly what you’d say.
Know that I love you and that I’ll always remember
The wonderful memories we’ve experienced together.
You’ll always be with me; I’ll carry you in my heart
And even though it seems like it, we won’t feel that far apart.
I’ll find the strength I need, please know that I’ll be fine
And I’ll forever be thankful that you were once mine.

~ Jennifer R. W. Vargas

A song about a daughter losing her daddy.

Living, Op-Ed

Don’t Let Relationships Erase You

May 25, 2020 Jencita Vargas Leave a comment

I read a really good post recently. So good, that I wish I could just copy and paste the whole thing here because it’s so relevant. Take the time to check it out. It talks about missing someone and not necessarily wanting them to be back in your life.

https://exploringyourmind.com/missing-someone-doesnt-mean-you-want-them-back/

I’m not quite at that point in my journey, I’d still want them back in my life… There’s a silver lining to the article, or something to look forward to. It talks about wanting the good times again; “Think about it: this doesn’t have to happen with the same person. The history and the feelings can be replicated in part with another person now.“

That’s a beautiful sentiment. Knowing that those feelings and emotions you had are not in fact gone forever just because that relationship ended, but rather you will experience them again with someone else. For me, that’s been such a hard part of all this. Mourning the beautiful and endless possibilities of what that relationship could have brought to my life. All the happy moments it did bring to me, along with the inspiration and creativity.

I wrote more poems inspired by this person in the last few months than I have in the last few years. I’m not sure why. It’s ironic how some people can inspire you and others don’t. One of the poems I wrote, I know would have had a great impact on them. I never had the chance to give it, but it was not written in vain. I was able to share it with someone who recently experienced the same thing and it’s been a great source of comfort to them. In a way, maybe I had to meet this other person, in order to be a comfort to someone else.

Life is like that. You meet someone who influences you, changes your life. It can be in a small way, it could be someone you meet once, but you never forget. Moving forward, I would like to challenge myself to only think about the good moments and try not to think about the way things ended. Not forget why, as I will always carry that with me moving forward and apply it to future relationships.

I was listening to a song the other day and it said “people like me are gone forever, when you say goodbye.” That can be so true. I know in previous friendships I’ve had, I’ve been so hurt. I’ve cried, I’ve felt lousy about myself… and some of those people are still in my life to a degree, but a very distant one. You know… the ones you wish happy birthday to on facebook and occasionally comment on their posts.

In order to get to a place of not being hurt anymore, I had to go through a period of shutting them out completely. I had to feel all the feelings and then get to a place where they could no longer hurt me, but also a place where I still wanted them to be happy and well. One person I run into now and again and they’ve mentioned getting together a couple of times. It’s funny, back in the day that would excite me to no end. However, now I don’t even get my hopes up because I know it’s not going to happen. It’s a good thing though, that I’m not upset by this. I kind of just laugh about it… like ok… sure we’ll get together.

I’ve had to stop comparing myself to their other friendships. Stop questioning why they grew close to someone younger than me, if maybe I thought age was a factor or whatever the case may be.

I’ve told myself for half my life already that people are in my life for a reason, and sometimes only for a season. That’s always been hard for me as I’m someone who loves deeply and doesn’t like to let people go.

The good thing is, when we let those people go, we are able to open ourselves up to new relationships, with people who don’t want to erase us from their memories but create new ones.

Variety Beat