Why is it so hard to let go of someone who deeply hurt you? Someone who makes you cry every day? Someone who was so good at making you believe they were someone they weren’t… someone they could only pretend to be for a short time, until it got to be too much to keep up and they showed who they really were.
It’s hard to picture them in a different light, especially when you see them engaging with others and giving to others what they couldn’t give to you. And why is that? Were you not deserving of their love? Or did they just not love you as much as you needed them to.
Maybe it’s easy to show love and attention to others who aren’t trying to be close to them. Someone they know it won’t mean more to. Maybe there is a certain freedom about that. There’s no one who will love them more and want even more attention. Maybe I wanted too much, more in the end then they were able to give.
It’s easy to think it’s all my fault, but it’s also on them to communicate their boundaries, their frustrations. To admit when they need a break… some time to deal with their own issues. It’s up to them to tell you that you’re asking for more than they are able to give right now.
Absolutely no one can be a mind reader. People tell you not to read into things, but then they aren’t direct and it’s almost like you have to pick up on clues and signals and read between the lines. Yet when you try to and you ask questions, they are aloof and skirt around them.
So then you give them the space they couldn’t ask for. They take it and run… they never look back and you are left alone to figure out when it all started going wrong. When you went from meaning so much to meaning nothing at all.
How come it hurts so much but they don’t shed a single tear for you? How are they able to move on so quickly and so freely and you are trapped in your own imprisonment of loneliness and abandonment?
“All Too Well” Short Film by Taylor Swift
It’s so hard to let go of not just the memories but the memories that never got to see the light of day. The ones you imagine. The holidays you would have spent doing fun things together. The conversations you would have had, the hugs you would have given, the moments you would have been able to say “I love you.”
Everyone keeps saying it’s a them problem, that you did nothing wrong. Even though you know you weren’t treated right in the end, you still know they aren’t a horrible person, they just did something horrible to you. That’s why it feels like a you problem. Because it feels like somehow you couldn’t be enough for them. Like everyone else can be but you. But things get tricky the closer you get to someone. It’s easier to love people from a distance. When there’s no commitment of getting together. When showing them attention isn’t going to make them want to know when you would be talking next or hanging out.
Yet it’s so much harder when everything stopped so abruptly. Here one day, gone the next. Yes that’s life… but that doesn’t make it any easier. Your mind will continue to run through scenarios of what if you did this, or if they said this. How would you respond? Sometimes responding, even if it’s just to yourself will help you process those emotions. They can be emotional. I’ve cried to many conversations that only took place in my head. I wrote out my responses. ‘If they were to say this, how would I respond?’ It’s like writing a letter and burning it after. It’s healing in a sense. Yet most likely that person will never say those things, they will never ask those questions, and they may never even apologize. You may never hear from them again. So you have to do what you need to in order to heal. Have those tough conversations… even if they never get to hear them. It’s empowering to let those words out, to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you will have no one to help you heal… you will have no closure… and you will have a million questions. There will never be answers so sometimes you have to make your own.
You don’t have to turn the other person into a villain… but you may need to for a time in order to heal. Once you get to a better place, you can look at them through another lens. As someone who wasn’t evil, but someone who hurt you… someone who didn’t know how to treat you or love you in a way that you needed to be love. That doesn’t always make them a bad person, it just makes them the wrong person for you. For whatever reason, they couldn’t communicate what they were or were not capable of and unfortunately you got caught in the crossfires of the war against themselves.
Sometimes people can shut the door and never turn back… never give a second thought. It’s okay that you aren’t that type of person. It’s okay that you feel everything deeply. You also feel joy deeply, you feel love deeply. And despite the insurmountable grief that comes with the ending of this relationship, you have ones that have lasted for decades because you are someone worth keeping.
It will always feel like a huge loss because you care so deeply. Because you would have never been the one to choose that ending, to have them out of your life.
Even though I’m still in the midst of my grief, I have to find the strength to believe that better days are ahead. Until I can get there, I must do what’s needed to make it to the other side. Some days will be harder than others. Some days I might have to distract myself so I don’t focus on all the sadness. Eventually I know the sadness will fade and it may take months and months, or years and years. It’s not clear why some relationship endings hurt harder than others, but I truly believe it’s a testament to the amount of love I had for that person. It may never completely go away, but I will eventually get to a place where I can see them living their best life and be happy for them, even though I am not a part of it. I know that’s because I will always care about other’s well being. That I’m not a bad judge of character, I just sometimes love people who aren’t meant to be in my life forever and it feels impossible to let that go. I will try to keep my heart open to other relationships in the future and have faith that someone else won’t have to pretend to be everything I need, they just will.