I’ve been reading a lot of words of wisdom lately. I feel like everyone needs to have their feelings validated in some way. One of the best things I’ve read said:
“Your kindness is not a weakness. There is power in your ability to be kind and loving without conditions, but it is essential to know that this power is not for everyone. You’re going to meet a few (people) who don’t know what to do with your love.”
– R.H. Sin
My friends keep telling me this. In fact, they warned me, “they’re not ready for you.” Thinking to myself, am I that bad? No, they say, they love how much I love, but unless you’re prepared for it, it can be overwhelming.
I’ve experienced that many times in my life. I’ve even experienced it with people who have told me it’s too much, but are thankfully still my friend today… for others… they just don’t know what to do and friendships don’t always last.
Another thing people have been telling me is that they find it’s really easy to love. They are like me in that sense, they love but they don’t always allow themselves to be loved. It takes a certain vulnerability to not just show love, but be open to it. Me? I welcome it. I cherish it. But I don’t always get it and you’re not going to always be loved the same way you love.
I also read, how, not everyone has the same heart as you do… We can’t expect to get in return, the same amount of love that we give. To be honest, I’d like just a small fraction from some people. But I have to realize, that if they can’t even give that, as much as I care about them, they are not adding anything positive to my life and instead are taking away positivity, leaving me with negativity and sadness.
There are some people that no matter what, think they have nothing to offer. Yet for some reason, they matter to you. They haven’t done anything truly profound, but you’re drawn to them… why? Sometimes it’s unexplainable. You feel a connection, you love with your whole heart, even when that person hasn’t truly been a huge part of your life. You respect who they are, you admire them. You think they are a great person and you desire to have them in your life in a deeper way than they are.
I mean, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by people they respect and admire? Someone you can tell has a good heart. We want that. We want to surround ourselves with amazing people, however, not everyone who is amazing will want to be surrounded by us. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means, for whatever the reason, they don’t need your goodness in their life. Hopefully it’s because they already have enough of it.
I remember one time, I was friends with someone I met while working out of state in college. When I got home for Christmas break, that person told me that they didn’t really see us as friends moving forward, and just sort of mentioned how I think our personalities were different. I was (still am) a big hugger. Where I went to college, was very conservative and honestly it’s like people aren’t use to hugging or something. Anyway, I’m not sure what happened after that, but we did end up still continuing on to be friends. Even though we live a part, we still talk. She called me when she got engaged, I went to her wedding. Now we get to watch from a distance as our kid(s) grow up. I appreciate her communication. It’s probably what helped us continue to be friends. Not sure if I had to scale back a bit and give less hugs, or if she just had to understand me more and what makes me who I am. We still did hug.
Love comes in so many ways and when we talk about love, it’s not the I’m “in love” with you type love. It’s just a normal part of relationships… parents… siblings… friendships. We love all those people in varying degrees and we show that love in many different ways.
Everyone needs love differently. Some of you may have heard of the five love languages. Basically, it talks about ways that people show love and need love. Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each person needs and gives in different ways. For instance, I feel like I am very good at giving all five types of love, but the ones I need in return would be quality time and physical touch (aka hugging). Not everyone likes hugs, they make some people uncomfortable. That is something you have to know about the other person. That is not a way to meet their needs. Communicating these needs is very important and even sometimes what you don’t need so that you aren’t uncomfortable in a relationship.
Then there’s people like me. People that will probably overwhelm you at first. You wonder, does this person have anyone else in their life that they talk to or are close with? They kind of seem obsessed with me.
I promise you, I have a lot of other people I talk to. I have two best friends I text with all day, every day. I have another best friend I have weekly phone dates with, another friend we have multiple phone dates every week. What I don’t have, is someone physically present to grab coffee with or give a hug to (due to distance). I send my friends gifts, I give them my phone time, but I don’t have someone to be present. I am missing a very important aspect of how I need to receive love.
So when I find someone, when I meet someone, I think great, here is a person I can potentially hang out with, hug, spend time with. I’ve been waiting for this person. I can tell they are a great person, someone I really want to know and then bam, are we best friends yet? For me, there’s no question. I want to talk to them every day, I want them to know how special and important they are. For them? It’s all a little overwhelming for someone they barely know.
I was speaking to my sister about this. She told me that I need to give them time to catch up. Patience. Yes, I’m there, but I need to let them get there or it will be snuffed out before it’s even started.
I recently snuffed out a potential relationship with someone and I’ve been dealing with it the best I can. It’s hard when there’s no hope of reconciliation. Another thing I read recently stated that we will not always have closure.
“You will not have closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself. Most of what other people do is about them, not you. Some things cannot be explained. Some people won’t apologize because they can’t. You cannot change people no matter how much you think they need to change, people change themselves.”
I think it was important to read this, because even though you might have done something, it might not have been as bad as the average person would have taken it. However, it could be the thing that breaks that person. They could have issues with things similar in the past, so for them, it’s a done deal. It’s something small to someone else, but they cannot move past it. Again, some things cannot be explained. Sometimes you won’t have a chance to say goodbye, because that person has cut you out of their life, blocked you, and not given you the opportunity to even bid them adieu. Is it fair? No.
You can’t let that control your life, it almost cost someone I know, their future wife. Closed up, guarded, not truly letting walls down. Enough so that a person realizes they are never going to be let in and are finally ready to move on. Then closure presented itself and you know what that person found? They no longer needed it. They finally realized what a good and healthy relationship looked like and were ready to let the walls fall down.
It’s hard. It takes work. When someone rejects us, when they mess with our sense of self, it destroys a part of you. You don’t feel good enough to be loved by anyone else. You feel disgusted that you let someone you admired and respected down. You don’t trust yourself.
You are so loving to everyone else, but not loving to yourself. Loving yourself is hard, you may never truly understand what it means to love yourself, I know I don’t. So instead, be patient with yourself. Know that change doesn’t happen over night, but baby steps are a good start. Take time to heal. Whatever form that means. Take a day off, a week. Go somewhere. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re broken, but you are not beyond repair.
