Tag Archives: relationships

Living, Op-Ed

Don’t Let Relationships Erase You

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I read a really good post recently. So good, that I wish I could just copy and paste the whole thing here because it’s so relevant. Take the time to check it out. It talks about missing someone and not necessarily wanting them to be back in your life.

https://exploringyourmind.com/missing-someone-doesnt-mean-you-want-them-back/

I’m not quite at that point in my journey, I’d still want them back in my life… There’s a silver lining to the article, or something to look forward to. It talks about wanting the good times again; “Think about it: this doesn’t have to happen with the same person. The history and the feelings can be replicated in part with another person now.“

That’s a beautiful sentiment. Knowing that those feelings and emotions you had are not in fact gone forever just because that relationship ended, but rather you will experience them again with someone else. For me, that’s been such a hard part of all this. Mourning the beautiful and endless possibilities of what that relationship could have brought to my life. All the happy moments it did bring to me, along with the inspiration and creativity.

I wrote more poems inspired by this person in the last few months than I have in the last few years. I’m not sure why. It’s ironic how some people can inspire you and others don’t. One of the poems I wrote, I know would have had a great impact on them. I never had the chance to give it, but it was not written in vain. I was able to share it with someone who recently experienced the same thing and it’s been a great source of comfort to them. In a way, maybe I had to meet this other person, in order to be a comfort to someone else.

Life is like that. You meet someone who influences you, changes your life. It can be in a small way, it could be someone you meet once, but you never forget. Moving forward, I would like to challenge myself to only think about the good moments and try not to think about the way things ended. Not forget why, as I will always carry that with me moving forward and apply it to future relationships.

I was listening to a song the other day and it said “people like me are gone forever, when you say goodbye.” That can be so true. I know in previous friendships I’ve had, I’ve been so hurt. I’ve cried, I’ve felt lousy about myself… and some of those people are still in my life to a degree, but a very distant one. You know… the ones you wish happy birthday to on facebook and occasionally comment on their posts.

In order to get to a place of not being hurt anymore, I had to go through a period of shutting them out completely. I had to feel all the feelings and then get to a place where they could no longer hurt me, but also a place where I still wanted them to be happy and well. One person I run into now and again and they’ve mentioned getting together a couple of times. It’s funny, back in the day that would excite me to no end. However, now I don’t even get my hopes up because I know it’s not going to happen. It’s a good thing though, that I’m not upset by this. I kind of just laugh about it… like ok… sure we’ll get together.

I’ve had to stop comparing myself to their other friendships. Stop questioning why they grew close to someone younger than me, if maybe I thought age was a factor or whatever the case may be.

I’ve told myself for half my life already that people are in my life for a reason, and sometimes only for a season. That’s always been hard for me as I’m someone who loves deeply and doesn’t like to let people go.

The good thing is, when we let those people go, we are able to open ourselves up to new relationships, with people who don’t want to erase us from their memories but create new ones.

Living, Op-Ed

Learning to Let Go

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The thing about writing is, when I write, I’m able to focus my mind on that task, for at least a bit. For someone who’s mind is sometimes, constantly racing, that’s a relief. The scenarios I play out in my head stop as I focus on putting words down.

It’s been a full week now since I haven’t spoken to someone I once wanted to talk to every day. It’s true what they say, the first week feels like a month. It’s strange, but it feels like forever ago since we actually did talk. I almost can’t remember what it felt like to be able to send them a message. I try to think about, if things hadn’t gone the way they had, what would we be talking about today? Would they really be interested in anything I had to say?

I keep thinking about what my younger sister told me. How if they had liked me better they wouldn’t have reacted the way they had. They wouldn’t have blocked me. It hurt to think that, but it’s probably true. Not that they didn’t like me at all, just not enough.

If you haven’t listened to the song “Death By a Thousand Cuts” you should. Lyrics that say “if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?” “Flashbacks waking me up.” “I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not.” “Gave up on me like I was a bad drug.” “Trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up, gave you so much but it wasn’t enough.”

I feel like, especially that last line is so true of many of my relationships. When you give so much and it doesn’t work out. I was talking to a friend recently who’s life looks pretty fabulous on social media. Always on a trip, or fun outing with friends, but she told me how lonely she has been. How friends that have boyfriends don’t include her in some things and how another group of friends always comes along when she invites them, but they never reach out to invite her.

Friendships should always be two sided, but it feels like there’s always going to be that person who puts in a little more effort. You have to decide if it’s worth it to you, to keep putting in the effort.

I had a friend I once considered my best friend. We haven’t spoken in years and nothing dramatic happened. We were friends for half our lives, we even lived together for a time. As we got a little bit older and started getting married and having kids and she wasn’t able to be there for some pretty big events, I stopped reaching out. I found, she didn’t bother to reach out either. There was no real sadness or ill will, just a faded friendship. I hope she’s doing well. She was an important part of my life.

Part of growing is recognizing and letting go of relationships that don’t add anything to your life and instead take things away. You can lose so much of yourself when you can’t walk away. Your happiness, your time, your energy. Don’t let people who don’t appreciate you, take that from you.

When you think of the word relationship, you have to get out of the stigma that it means a romance. A relationship is anything other than a friendship, it’s how you know someone. It could be a family member, co-worker, a person you just met. A relationship can be many different things, but the simplest form is simply an association with someone. It can be someone that you never were able to form a friendship with, but you were still connected in some way.

For me, the worst part of losing a relationship is not having that potential come to fruition. It’s kind of like dating someone you imagined yourself marrying. Then you break up and it’s devastating. The future you planned for yourself, the visions you had, destroyed.

In hindsight, we can say, thank goodness I didn’t get that future. I didn’t have to go through a failed marriage or divorce. Yet it still hurts. That grief of a now different future has to be mourned. I guess that’s why John Lennon sang “life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”

I wonder about how other people move on sometimes. For instance, when you get mad enough to block someone, are you able to just block them out of your mind? Like ‘I can’t believe they did that, wow, so glad I don’t have to have them in my life any more,’ then just never think about them? For me? I’ve thought about them every single day. I try not to be mad at myself, I try to remind myself I was only trying to be kind and acting in a way that is familiar to me. That other people also in put in the same scenario, have stated they wouldn’t have been bothered. Yet everyone is different. So for one person it might have been a welcomed gesture, but for this person, it wasn’t.

I keep thinking about the times when it would have been okay and would it would not have. The thing is, we behave in a manner in which we are accustomed. We all grow up with not only different beliefs and morals, but are shown what’s acceptable and what’s not. So what could be very normal for one person, is unacceptable for another. It doesn’t necessarily mean either is wrong.

I go back to customs. In certain countries, people are greeted with a kiss on each cheek. Here in America? Someone might slap you for that, press charges, try to make sure you never come into a position of power. So again, it goes back to what you are accustomed to and what you deem as acceptable.

Communication. Make those feelings known so you can be validated. Hey, you did this, it made me really uncomfortable, I would appreciate it if you did not do that again. If that person respects you, chances are, they won’t do it again.

That’s when my mind wanders back to what my sister said. Truth is, maybe they already wanted me out of their life and now they had a reason to just cut all ties.

This is where I have to remind myself that I am not a bad person. That my heart was in the right place. To learn from this so that it was not all for naught. I have to remind myself, as hard as it is, to not let it change me, just change my actions. I can still have a big heart, I can still love people. I just need to slow down, realize not everyone wants to be loved and assess each and every relationship. It’s better to be overly cautious in some circumstances to make sure the other person is comfortable. Respect boundaries and clarify them. So next time I want to mail someone cookies, I’ll make sure it’s okay with them first.

Living, Op-Ed

Your Kindness is Not a Weakness

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I’ve been reading a lot of words of wisdom lately. I feel like everyone needs to have their feelings validated in some way. One of the best things I’ve read said:

“Your kindness is not a weakness. There is power in your ability to be kind and loving without conditions, but it is essential to know that this power is not for everyone. You’re going to meet a few (people) who don’t know what to do with your love.”

– R.H. Sin

My friends keep telling me this. In fact, they warned me, “they’re not ready for you.” Thinking to myself, am I that bad? No, they say, they love how much I love, but unless you’re prepared for it, it can be overwhelming.

I’ve experienced that many times in my life. I’ve even experienced it with people who have told me it’s too much, but are thankfully still my friend today… for others… they just don’t know what to do and friendships don’t always last.

Another thing people have been telling me is that they find it’s really easy to love. They are like me in that sense, they love but they don’t always allow themselves to be loved. It takes a certain vulnerability to not just show love, but be open to it. Me? I welcome it. I cherish it. But I don’t always get it and you’re not going to always be loved the same way you love.

I also read, how, not everyone has the same heart as you do… We can’t expect to get in return, the same amount of love that we give. To be honest, I’d like just a small fraction from some people. But I have to realize, that if they can’t even give that, as much as I care about them, they are not adding anything positive to my life and instead are taking away positivity, leaving me with negativity and sadness.

There are some people that no matter what, think they have nothing to offer. Yet for some reason, they matter to you. They haven’t done anything truly profound, but you’re drawn to them… why? Sometimes it’s unexplainable. You feel a connection, you love with your whole heart, even when that person hasn’t truly been a huge part of your life. You respect who they are, you admire them. You think they are a great person and you desire to have them in your life in a deeper way than they are.

I mean, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by people they respect and admire? Someone you can tell has a good heart. We want that. We want to surround ourselves with amazing people, however, not everyone who is amazing will want to be surrounded by us. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means, for whatever the reason, they don’t need your goodness in their life. Hopefully it’s because they already have enough of it.

I remember one time, I was friends with someone I met while working out of state in college. When I got home for Christmas break, that person told me that they didn’t really see us as friends moving forward, and just sort of mentioned how I think our personalities were different. I was (still am) a big hugger. Where I went to college, was very conservative and honestly it’s like people aren’t use to hugging or something. Anyway, I’m not sure what happened after that, but we did end up still continuing on to be friends. Even though we live a part, we still talk. She called me when she got engaged, I went to her wedding. Now we get to watch from a distance as our kid(s) grow up. I appreciate her communication. It’s probably what helped us continue to be friends. Not sure if I had to scale back a bit and give less hugs, or if she just had to understand me more and what makes me who I am. We still did hug.

Love comes in so many ways and when we talk about love, it’s not the I’m “in love” with you type love. It’s just a normal part of relationships… parents… siblings… friendships. We love all those people in varying degrees and we show that love in many different ways.

Everyone needs love differently. Some of you may have heard of the five love languages. Basically, it talks about ways that people show love and need love. Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each person needs and gives in different ways. For instance, I feel like I am very good at giving all five types of love, but the ones I need in return would be quality time and physical touch (aka hugging). Not everyone likes hugs, they make some people uncomfortable. That is something you have to know about the other person. That is not a way to meet their needs. Communicating these needs is very important and even sometimes what you don’t need so that you aren’t uncomfortable in a relationship.

Then there’s people like me. People that will probably overwhelm you at first. You wonder, does this person have anyone else in their life that they talk to or are close with? They kind of seem obsessed with me.

I promise you, I have a lot of other people I talk to. I have two best friends I text with all day, every day. I have another best friend I have weekly phone dates with, another friend we have multiple phone dates every week. What I don’t have, is someone physically present to grab coffee with or give a hug to (due to distance). I send my friends gifts, I give them my phone time, but I don’t have someone to be present. I am missing a very important aspect of how I need to receive love.

So when I find someone, when I meet someone, I think great, here is a person I can potentially hang out with, hug, spend time with. I’ve been waiting for this person. I can tell they are a great person, someone I really want to know and then bam, are we best friends yet? For me, there’s no question. I want to talk to them every day, I want them to know how special and important they are. For them? It’s all a little overwhelming for someone they barely know.

I was speaking to my sister about this. She told me that I need to give them time to catch up. Patience. Yes, I’m there, but I need to let them get there or it will be snuffed out before it’s even started.

I recently snuffed out a potential relationship with someone and I’ve been dealing with it the best I can. It’s hard when there’s no hope of reconciliation. Another thing I read recently stated that we will not always have closure.

“You will not have closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself. Most of what other people do is about them, not you. Some things cannot be explained. Some people won’t apologize because they can’t. You cannot change people no matter how much you think they need to change, people change themselves.”

I think it was important to read this, because even though you might have done something, it might not have been as bad as the average person would have taken it. However, it could be the thing that breaks that person. They could have issues with things similar in the past, so for them, it’s a done deal. It’s something small to someone else, but they cannot move past it. Again, some things cannot be explained. Sometimes you won’t have a chance to say goodbye, because that person has cut you out of their life, blocked you, and not given you the opportunity to even bid them adieu. Is it fair? No.

You can’t let that control your life, it almost cost someone I know, their future wife. Closed up, guarded, not truly letting walls down. Enough so that a person realizes they are never going to be let in and are finally ready to move on. Then closure presented itself and you know what that person found? They no longer needed it. They finally realized what a good and healthy relationship looked like and were ready to let the walls fall down.

It’s hard. It takes work. When someone rejects us, when they mess with our sense of self, it destroys a part of you. You don’t feel good enough to be loved by anyone else. You feel disgusted that you let someone you admired and respected down. You don’t trust yourself.

You are so loving to everyone else, but not loving to yourself. Loving yourself is hard, you may never truly understand what it means to love yourself, I know I don’t. So instead, be patient with yourself. Know that change doesn’t happen over night, but baby steps are a good start. Take time to heal. Whatever form that means. Take a day off, a week. Go somewhere. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re broken, but you are not beyond repair.

poetry

Keep Your Heart Open

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Keep Your Heart Open

I woke up this morning hoping it was all a bad dream
I know it’s real by the tears that continuously stream.
The worst thing imaginable is now my reality
“I’m sorry” didn’t matter, it’s simply a deaf plea.
I asked for forgiveness, but received none
Now my presence, is one you must shun.
I work through these feelings, so that I might heal
One day it won’t be so hard to feel what I feel.
I’m working through the grief and what came to an end
I know in my heart, there is nothing left to mend.
Shattered and broken, not meant to be
Yet I won’t forget what you’ve given to me.
A new found perspective, areas in which to grow
Maintaining boundaries, friendships to forgo.
I can still be blessed by someone’s existence,
Appreciate and respect them from a distance.
Not everyone is meant to be a permanent part of my life
Emotions need to be kept in check and not run rife.
I cannot look to people to provide more to me than allowed
I don’t need their approval, of myself, I must be proud.
I can be a blessing to them, without going over the top
I must set limits for myself and know when to stop.
It will always be hard not to matter to someone you care for
Yet there is always someone waiting, who will love you more.
Trust for whatever reason, that it wasn’t meant to last
Try to move forward and leave that relationship in the past.
Don’t change who you are, just who you cling to
There are others around who will see you through.
Keep your heart open, others love you for who you are
Learn from this heartbreak, don’t let it leave a scar.

~ Jennifer R.W. Vargas

May 2020

Living, Op-Ed

Try to Be Kind to Yourself

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There comes a time in life when you meet someone so magnetic
Someone who brings such joy, your face hurts from smiling.
A person that somehow makes you feel safe, special and loved
By just EXISTING.
A person who doesn’t see their worth. But means everything to you.
Who’s smile could light up a room, even when they’re feeling DARK.
Someone you love with your whole heart and you try
NOT TO OVERWHELM.
Then you do something to mess it all up.
To get yourself cut out of their life.
Then they erase you.
Like you never even existed.
You don’t want to exist.
You are INVISIBLE.
You must be strong, but it’s hard.
So HARD.
You cannot stop crying.
You never imagined it would come to this.
How could you be so reckless?
So careless?
The positive self-talk doesn’t help
Yet you TRY.
To believe in the words you are saying.
You are worthy of being loved.
Not everyone you love will feel the same.
Not everyone will understand you.
You are broken but you are not
BEYOND REPAIR.
You may never have their love
And that’s OKAY.
It does not mean you do not deserve love
It will take you a while to believe this.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Not everyone will accept you
THAT’S OKAY
As much as it hurts, you will HEAL.
Believe you are not beyond love
Show yourself GRACE.
It WILL get better.