Tag Archives: relationships

Living, Op-Ed

Being Self-Aware: Learning to Forgive Myself

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Most of this won’t make sense… but I need to write it down so I can try to make it make sense to me….

Something happened today, something so devastating, that the only way I can possibly cope with it, is by writing. I haven’t written personally in a really long time. I have journals upon journals in my garage. I used to write every day in junior high and high school. I tried to continue it when I first started college, but I was so busy, it was hard. Most of my journals are about loving people too much. Eventually, I feel like it works out, but getting to that point is hard. Love is hard. Life is hard. Not everyone will get you, not everyone will accept you, not everyone will love you, no matter how much you love them.

I spoke on the phone with both my sisters today, that rarely happens. However, deep down, they know my behavior. They know that for what ever reason, I become easily attached to mentor type figures in my life. I’m still friends with my Kindergarten teacher! There’s a few teachers like that. Ones that have been to my wedding, college graduation, my daughter’s birthday parties. We go out for lunch, we go to each other’s houses. It’s normal for me, but it’s not normal for everyone.

I actually recently spoke to one of the teacher’s about my current situation and she asked me what is the rush to be “friends?” so to speak. I didn’t have a good answer for her. I guess I have just always had this overwhelming amount of love to give and the inability to contain it. Even in high school, I would hug a few of my teachers… there’s one I must have written at least twenty poems for. The good news, is that we are still friends today.

The hard part for me comes, because for so long I was so quiet. I couldn’t speak my feelings, I could only write them. But I love deeply and I have waited my whole life to feel loved. I don’t know if any one person can fix it, that’s a lot to put on someone when you’re broken. Now that I’ve worked on parts of myself that I needed to change (there’s still more work to be done), speaking isn’t as hard, but containing my feelings is.

My sisters and I are all very different. We are all broken in different ways. We have all coped with coming from a broken home in different ways. I’ve always felt that I was oblivious to a lot of things. That things weren’t really that bad and perhaps they weren’t. Deep down though, I just wanted to feel loved. That was missing. It’s not that I didn’t have anyone that didn’t love me, just for whatever reason, I’ve never really been able to feel it, hold on to it.

I’m not sure if anyone else has ever felt that way, but I get it in spurts. When you find someone you really love and respect and admire. Also, someone who is a great hugger. It’s amazing how safe a really good hug can make you feel. Like your spirits connect and you feel understood, safe, accepted, loved.

The problem for me is that I either love someone or I don’t and if I love someone, oh I love them. I love them 200% and it doesn’t take months or years to get me there. When I know someone is special, it takes days, weeks, and I’m there. The problem? As my older sister says, I have to let the other person catch up. I realize I don’t always have that kind of patience.

A former assistant manager (and thankfully to this day, my friend of 16 years), once was probably pretty overwhelmed by me. Remember the thing I said about boundaries? I’ve apparently never really been good at that… I did marry my former boss after all (I did quit once we started dating). Anyway, my former assistant manager I felt such a connection toward (and see we are still friends, so those feelings were valid)… every time she came in to work when I was there, I would get so happy. You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! I would give her hugs and I even created a MySpace back then, just so I could be friends with her on it. I remember one day I asked her if she thought I was weird, I still remember what she said… “not weird, different.”

The truth is, I am different and it’s not necessarily always in a good way. I am self-aware that I have flaws and faults. I won’t pretend that I’m not the problem… in most cases… I probably am. I think, I just wish, there was better communication sometimes as that hasn’t always been the case. It can be awkward to bring up, but the end result is lost friendships. Sometimes it is brought up and I have a hard time just not being me. I have a hard time being patient, waiting for people to catch up, not respecting boundaries enough.


I understand having my privacy/personal life violated. When I was in Junior High, I used to email one of my teachers all the time. Teacher/student relationships were different back then and different for us at the Christian school I went to. We were just naturally close with them. One time a few us went over to a teacher’s house to help her make some crafts for her wedding. The first grade teacher had a sleepover with all the girls at her house.

I’m not sure if these things are the reason why I am so bad with boundaries today in regards to those in authority, or if it’s why I am drawn to them to sort of make me feel safe, accepted and loved or both.

Anyway, I realize now, looking back on my poetry from when I was 13 just how sad I was. How badly I wanted to be loved by someone, I wrote about it a lot. I can’t remember everything I wrote with my teacher back then, although I think I have quite a bit of the emails printed out. I use to save stuff like that. She was obviously concerned enough to have my step-mom print the emails and turn them in to the vice principal. My privacy was fully invaded. Now, I never threatened self-harm or something that this teacher (who I know are mandated reports), would have to report. However, for some reason, she felt like she was my only outlet, the only person I could talk to and I guess she didn’t feel equipped to handle it. She wanted me to go to counseling, so much so that she was kind of forcing it on me (side note, I’ve never been to counseling… maybe I should). I felt violated not only that my emails were being shared, but that it wasn’t even by my own mother, by my step-mother. Maybe my own mother would have come to me and talked to me about it, before getting the vice principal involved.

Then the vice principal called me into her office to talk about the emails and basically told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to my teacher any more after class or help her with anything (I used to stay after class for an hour). She asked me what would happen if that teacher were to move away tomorrow, then I wouldn’t have her anymore. Well, obviously I would deal with that should it happen, but that’s a completely different scenario than just being banned from talking to the one person you trusted enough to open up to. The one person who made you feel happy and safe. After that meeting I was allowed to go home…. The next day, that teacher gave me a hug… which wasn’t even allowed. I didn’t hug her back. I was broken.

It took me awhile, but eventually I forgave her… we even had a relationship in the future (it took me at least a year to get over, but we went to the same church so I still saw her)… eventually, she did something else that hurt me and it took longer the second time around, but I have forgiven that too. I wouldn’t call us friends today, but friendly. She’s not someone that can hurt me anymore though. I’ve found a way to turn off those kind of feelings for people who have really hurt me and get to a place where I can care about them, wish them the best, but they no longer make me cry.

I hope that happens for me today, I know it will. It’s just so fresh right now, it doesn’t seem possible.

Did some part of me self-sabotage? Right now I really hate myself. I’m disgusted by myself. Those are probably pretty strong feelings and it’s probably confusing trying to figure out why. What it comes down to is, I have a lot of love to give, I love people too much, I don’t always respect their boundaries because it’s hard for me to contain that love. I care too much, I want to make me happy, I love to go above and beyond and try to make people feel special and sometimes that crosses the line. Bottom line, I had some thank you cookies mailed to someone and they felt very violated that I got their home address from the white pages, without asking for it. Even though it’s public info, I understand why this person is upset and feels the way they do and they have every right to that. I am sad that I was trying to do something so nice that I wanted to be a surprise and instead it turned into that person no longer wanting me in their life and cutting me out completely. My intention was never to hurt them and that’s where my issues come in with boundaries and not respecting them. I should have asked, not everyone likes to be surprised. It would have spared me a lot of heartache and maybe not have cost me knowing someone I consider to be so amazing.


I hope that in time this person will forgive me. I may never know, I’ve been blocked from all forms of communication. So I will just have to come to terms with this on my own. As one of my friends told me… to know, that my heart was in the right place, that I was not trying to be malicious or wicked. I need to learn from my mistakes of going too far and not respecting people’s boundaries.

I’ve cried a lot of tears and there is still more coming. I know this is a good lesson for me to learn, I am just sorry it has cost me from knowing someone so great. I hope that in time, even if there is no communication moving forward or ever in the future, they no longer think of me in whatever capacity they are right now. Angry, violated and what ever else they are thinking. I hope they can forgive me and it doesn’t ruin the happy moments we did share together.

Moving forward I vow to respect boundaries, to never get close to anyone who is in any capacity above me in a leadership role, and most importantly to slow down and realize we can’t be best friends with everyone over night. That good things are worth the wait and I can’t just go around telling everyone my feelings and need to learn how to contain them. Maybe I should start writing more- privately that is.

First, I have to try to forgive myself. For being careless, for not thinking and for crossing boundaries and not being respectful. It has cost me a lot. I have to tell myself what my older sister told me. That I am worthy of being loved and some day I will have those relationships in my life, I just have to wait for them and be patient.

Op-Ed

Tom Hiddleston Opens Up About Lost Love and Taylor Swift

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Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift took the world by storm last Summer as their romance traveled all around the world. Their adventures took them from America, England, Italy and even to Australia. They looked so happy together, so happy that no one could believe their love could truly be real, that it must be some magical PR ploy to help Swift out of her recent heartbreak and to help Hiddleston further his career in America.

 

In the months after, we haven’t heard much about the relationship. Swift hasn’t released any music about him (if she does, we imagine it will be a magical love story), and Hiddleston hasn’t talked about the relationship much in the press. Can you blame him? The entirety of his relationship, his motives and sincerity was being questioned. He couldn’t go out for a run without cameras following him. He was not use to this much attention or distraction from his career roles. Instead of being asked about the movie he was working on (Thor: Ragnarok,) he was asked about his relationship with Swift. Was the relationship real? What was she like.

Embed from Getty Images

 

I wrote a piece on a similar subject before: Here’s Why Some Celebs Can’t Handle Being Friends With Taylor Swift. In it, I address how hard it is for other celebrities to be friends with Swift, because every interview, every interaction becomes about her instead of about them. The media knows Swift is the biggest Pop star, that her very name will immediately attract attention. So what better way to ensure that their articles do well? Ask a question about Taylor Swift. After they do this, instead of promoting say a model doing a fashion show and leaving the headline to be about what it’s truly about, they turn it into “So and So Says XYZ About Taylor Swift…” Imagine, nothing is about you anymore. You love this person, but you also lose sight of you and the importance of what you’re doing and what you want to say. Only the strongest people can put all of that aside and it’s not for everyone.

This kind of attention takes its toll not just on friendships, but especially on relationships. When the very nature of you is questioned. When every look on your face somehow has an alternative meaning and everything about you from your hair to your shoes is analyzed, simply because of who you are dating. No one else gets this kind of criticism. Why has the world put so much attention and focus on who is in Taylor Swift’s life?

People joke about Swift and how she hasn’t had much luck with dating. Mind you, she spent 15 months in a relationship from 2015-2016. Could anyone find luck with dating when everything that couple does seems to be on some sort of sick public trial? It’s a lot of pressure and relationships, especially new ones, are hard enough. There are enough doubts and insecurities in a new relationship, adding cameras, fake headlines, falsities and rumors can quickly detangle that.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHfbTikDYx5/

 

Hiddleston has finally opened up about his relationship with Swift and not with some quick, over-rehearsed answer. No, he was passionate about his answers, he went on and on even when the reporter told him he didn’t have to talk about it anymore. He wanted to set the record straight, that things done in private, that get broadcasted to the media without permission and taken out of context are the kinds of things that bring sadness and pain. He also wanted people to know how real the relationship was and how they both decided they didn’t want to hide and were going to truly live their lives and do things they wanted to do, despite the cameras.

Hiddleston opened up to GQ about the relationship saying:

“If you’re under attack, if your values are under attack, if you’re being shamed, if you’re being humiliated, the animal response is to hide in the bush. It’s to be less, to make yourself smaller, to diminish in size and volume. And the lesson of 2016 is we have to love more, we have to risk more, we have to be braver, we have to be more outspoken.”

The reporter went on to say: “It wasn’t until much later that night, after we’d parted, that I realized we had started talking about Taylor Swift long before we started talking about Taylor Swift.”

Hiddleston continues with her: “Taylor is an amazing woman, She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time. Of course it was real.”

When the reporter asks if he wants to say anything about Australia, about the Fourth of July party and the infamous ‘I ♥ T.S’ tank top he says:

 

“The truth is, it was the Fourth of July and a public holiday and we were playing a game and I slipped and hurt my back. And I wanted to protect the graze from the sun and said, ’Does anyone have a T-shirt?’ And one of her friends said, ’I’ve got this.’ ” The friend pulled out the “I ♥ T.S.” And we all laughed about it. It was a joke.”

He went on to shared how he doesn’t want other people’s opinions to affect his life and the way he lives. He definitely found that to be a lot harder than he could have previously imagined.

“I have to be so psychologically strong about not letting other people’s interpretations about my life affect my life. A relationship exists between two people. We will always know what it was. The narratives that are out there altogether have been extrapolated from pictures that were taken without consent or permission, with no context. Nobody had the context for that story. And I’m still trying to work out a way of having a personal life and protecting it, but also without hiding. So the hardest thing is that was a joke among friends on the Fourth of July. I don’t know, I just, I was surprised. I was just surprised that it got so much attention. The tank top became an emblem of this thing. I only know the woman I met. She’s incredible. A relationship in the limelight… A relationship always takes work. A relationship in the limelight takes work. And it’s not just the limelight. It’s everything else. (They both wanted a regular relationship) So we decided to go out for dinner, we decided to travel.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHLLhFRjXWE/?taken-by=mikehmonroyphotography

 

After going to Australia to film Thor: Ragnarok, he would get up in the morning to run and the cameras would be there. He says: “I’m getting up so I can do this job well. I’m getting up to go for my run so I can play Loki as well as I can.”

The reporter shares one of the most important parts about the difficulty of a relationship in the limelight:

“Everywhere he went, whether it was checking e-mail on a park bench or looking at a menu, if he furrowed his brow it meant he was miserable and that would incite a new tabloid story about how hard he was taking all of this. It was a tough time, a public tough time. Chris Hemsworth gave him some good guidance; Hugh Laurie checked in. His family worried. So you can think whatever you want about Tom Hiddleston, you can swift-boat Hiddleswift all you want. But he is as bewildered by the whole thing as you and I are.

He looks at me finally and he says;

“I’m not going to live my life in hiding. Because you have to fight for love. You can’t live in fear of what people might say. You know, you have to be true to yourself.”

 

The end of the article is the most vulnerable, it’s not recorded, it’s not documented for the world to read, but the reporter gives us true insight into how broken the world can make a person. How despite the fact there is “freedom of press and speech” that what people fail to realize is while they’re trying to make a buck, they’re destroying lives by writing about things that 1. aren’t even true and 2. don’t even matter. People all need to spend a little more time analyzing their own lives and relationships and why those are going wrong instead of trying to ruin and pick a part perfectly happy ones.

“I turn my tape recorder off and I stand up, but he doesn’t. He shakes his head again, his hands clasped together, and he hangs his head. I sit back down and we talk some more because I finally understand that he isn’t here as someone who needs to explain his side in a PR battle; he’s here as someone who is still crushed by the end of a relationship.

So we sit and talk for a while. We talk about how relationships go sideways, how the ripples of a breakup can still pin you to a wall even months later. We talk about heartache. We talk about sadness and healing. We talk about what it’s like to love and what happens when the object of that love withdraws but all your love is still there. We talk about how those things can really change a person. The world will chip away at your optimism, and you just have to fight back. You have to be someone who is still full of joy and full of love, who can still use a word like “obsessed” about porridge. You have to be bold and open. You have to be honest. You have to be like Tom Hanks. We all have to be more like Tom Hanks.”

Let’s promote love and cheer people on who find happiness instead of trying to destroy it. After all, love is what creates us in the first place and hate is what is destroying the world around us.